Wounded People

I'm thinking today about beautiful children, created in the image of God, who satan is attacking to try to fight against God. He damages their families of origin, breaks them apart from them and leaves them lose and unattached. The fear and pain these children have is immense, and not something they can work with on their own.

Oh, the grief. And it's God's grief. On the adoption webboard that I am a member of, someone posted about a disruption. It rends my heart. Because that could be my daughter there. They described a child, a gorgeous, brilliant child, who has hurts so deep she has to subtly control her family. The family has gone beyond the end of their rope, farther than they ever imagined, over what some people believe are "little" things, but for them, in the day to day, it is ripping everything that is good and healthy about their family apart.

To not be able to go on - for the family who brought this girl home, it is a pain that is deep and filled with shame and guilt. Yet there is so much fear about how what has already become worse and worse could become even more. And the enemy of our souls is using this, using this to create an opening in all their lives for more attack. And an opening in others' lives- other adopted children who may know the girl who will be going to a new home - other adoptive parents who wonder if maybe their child will never get better - other prospective adoptive families who look and see all the best intentions and devotion crumbling to dust - and the "general public" who will take their own notes and tell their story their own way.

I have to give a disclaimer here. I don't know all of the details of the story. In fact, maybe I'm not even describing it just quite right. But there is a resonance, and I'm working through it.

My children need a safe place. All children need a safe place. All adults need a safe place, and then have a duty to create havens for children. When we are removed from the safety the terror can set in and make us crazy or unable to function well because we're in an adrenaline fight-flight-freeze mode - not good for problem solving.

I have wonderful, magnificent, amazing children. One of them will tell you that those words are an act. That I'm play acting at being a good parent by saying them to impress you, and that it's all an act, that I believe the opposite of it. Her hurts and betrayals.... yes, even the hopeless choices that are better than not making a choice can be a betrayal... they are so deep that they have scarred her to the very essence of who she is. The father of lies whispers in her ear that she does not have worth - or else this person or that person would have done this or that thing to value her.

And it doesn't help things that she's a girly-girl and I'm the antithesis. My passions being different from hers are just another echo that she doesn't belong, that I don't like her. (Ugh.. I think the logical conclusion is that I should go shopping with her.... Pray for me, ok?) And because she has the fear and rejection wrapped up in the core of her being, she tests. She sets emotional land mines to see how much of her defects will make me give up on her.

And it's interesting - it's not Dad so much- which may be the difference between the girl in the beginning of this post and my daughter. She tests him but feels more secure. But there's a mother on both sides of the Atlantic for this girl, one who sent her away and one that she is waiting to send her away. Because, in her world, mothers do that to their daughters. Not always to their tiny sons, which creates incredible jealousy, but to the older girls - they aren't important. They're expendable. You hand them off to someone else to raise.

I should stop here, to protect whatever privacy is left. =) Which makes this quiet space where very few go a safe place to write this. But please, if you are here, pray for the girls who believe they have been abandoned and rejected. The ones that would rather have the sense of control by manipulating the emotional mood of the family rather than the vulnerability of being nurtured. The ones who are waiting for the next rejection.

~~Mommy~~

I Surrender........... some things?

All to Jesus, I surrender, all to Him I freely give.
I will ever love and trust Him, in His presence daily live.

I surrender all,
I surrender all;
All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.

All to Jesus I surrender; humbly at His feet I bow.
Worldly pleasures all forsaken, take me Jesus, take me now.

God has been teaching me lately that I'm not surrendering all. I have surrendered a lot, and in my mind I sacrificed and surrendered quite a lot. I think that it should be good enough and that He shouldn't want anymore. I think of others I know who haven't surrendered as much and I wonder why He would want more from me - I mean aren't there other people He needs to focus on.

Oh the arrogance. What right do I have to hold onto any of it? Wasn't and isn't it all a gift from His hand to begin with? I am a steward - I need to care for what He has entrusted to me. I don't have any right to horde and refuse to allow Him access to things. And as for the other people? "Who are you to judge someone else’s servant? To their own master, servants stand or fall. And they will stand, for the Lord is able to make them stand." Romans 14:4

Jesus wants all of me. There are many things that we want to compromise on, that we want to negotiate. We have our eyes off the goal and instead are focused on our desires.

"Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them. For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever." 1 John 2:15-17

Oh, there are so many things of this life that I find that I love too much. I find it out when I have a temper tantrum or a jealous rage because that was MY thing that was messed up, lost, broken or taken. That was MY shelf that someone shoved trash onto. MY time to do what I wanted.

The sin. Let me qualify - we all need time for rest, time for personal study and work and passions. But when we, when I, elevate the priority of the thing, the space, the time higher than our relationships with others or with God, it has become and idol. We are worshiping something that should not be worshiped.

I am praying that I can learn to worship only the One True God. That I can learn to love Him and then love these people created in His image more than my possessions, my hopes, my plans, my time, my schedule, my approval rating from others.

"Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Mark 10:43-45

I don't want to serve. Honestly, I don't. There are a few areas that are tedious and painful work for some that I enjoy - that's hardly a servant's heart to volunteer in Children's Ministry when I love Children's Ministry. For others, it is an act relying on the power of a Mighty God to work in them as they force one step at a time into the nursery. But there are other areas where I want someone else to do the work. Where I believe I am entitled to things. Entitled to time, to treatment, to being exempted from work.

So that's what I'm working on. Learning that no, it's not about "good enough" because that's not what Jesus came for. We weren't good enough before hand, that's why He had to come. We weren't good enough to deserve it, He had to initiate everything. And we were redeemed to live a life of radical obedience with His love in the center, to die to self and carry our cross - which isn't about good enough, it's about a love for Him that motivates everything we do.

So I'm working on falling in love with Jesus, because there is so much more than this selfish life I've been living. There is a whole lot more that redemptive love can do for good compared to what my selfish tantrums do to hurt people and keep them from growing to Jesus.

Four Years

Yep.

You all figured that we'd given up on the blog.

And don't get your hopes up either.

But my girls reminded me today that this is their four year anniversary of coming to the US. Four years. If you doubt it has been that long, this is what the older three looked like on that day, four years ago, when they learned that January in Virginia is COLD:

They are frequently found either in denial that it's cold (trying to go out in bare feet or shorts in freezing weather) or complaining about the cold. This is definitely not a tropical climate.


There have been a lot of changes in all of our lives in the last four years. I pray that God can do His will and be glorified through us instead of us following our own selfish natures.

For comparison, this photo is from last month. It's been a long journey.

We have been busy this year, all the kids being homeschooled, attending a co-op and Classical Conversations classes each week. 2nd daughter was Memory Master in Classical Conversations in the spring. We sold the trailer, but everyone who isn't Daddy and the oldest still camp, and we'll be at Mahaffey this summer, one way or another.
The Ethiopian family gathering had smaller attendance this year, but we enjoyed the people who were able to make it. June 25th for anyone who has Ethiopians in their family who would like to join us for fellowship and Ethiopian food.

In the fall all 3 older kids were champions in Parks and Rec soccer. Mom went to work at a local school for Before and After Care. We are looking at putting the boys into school next year and who knows, maybe everybody the year after.

Emotionally we're still on a roller coaster, although some people seem to be evening out - but hormones... yes... hormones.
Please continue to pray for us, I know from the Bible that God has prepared good works in advance for us to do. Pray that we are faithful and available.

Yearning...

First of all, I want to say that, yes, we are still here. Daddy purchased a new camera for me to use, so hopefully there will be more pictures to see soon. Soccer kept us busy - younger daughter's team won the championship.

Kids are in classes 3 days a week, 2 for Classical Conversations, one for a co-op and there's Homeschool PE twice a week. Busy.

I don't know if there is anyone who hopes to read anymore, and I don't know what they want to know (except that Desi wants PHOTOS) so my post may not be audience sensitive. I need to process emotionally somewhere safe and benign... so this empty room seems to be good.

I was going to entitle the post "Baby Fever", but figured that it would leave too much open for people to assume crazy things.

Here's a picture of my baby:


Well, no - that's my first child. These are my babies...
Sigh. They aren't. Some of you use that terminology, but you can all see those pictures up there. Two of them wear adult size clothing and even the smallest one has clothing picked up in the boys' section of the store, not infants and toddlers.

We're getting more intense in our wishing and hoping, again. I realize it's cyclical, it waxes and wanes. When we were first married (senior year of college) we didn't want to be pregnant just yet. Starting a new job, that was okay to settle into without a pregnancy.

By the time we had settled into the jobs and I had received a job offer to work in Children's Ministry at MO, well we were ready. That was what... 2002? Yes. 2002. The Caseys had Emma, and they shared her with us freely, but most of our other peers were still childless. Loving, godly, Christian people at church tried to tease us that we shouldn't make the decision to wait for children, I'd try to think how to tell them that we were not the ones who had made that decision...

Public service announcements: Jokes about babies, conception and "waiting to have children" are not funny to people struggling with infertility. For that matter jokes about "incentives" to increase your family might not be either. We can be pretty touchy depending how badly we are yearning, but we might not know how to tell you politely because we love you and we know you are not trying to be malicious in the least. So public service announcement - if you don't know... tread lightly with your jokes.

By 2003 the Baby Yearning (for Daddy it was a child yearning, he has not strong desires for newborns, but at that point we wanted something to nurture. We completed our first adoption application in March, after Daddy's birthday. We were detoured. Then detoured again. And again. Meanwhile, close friends and relatives were being infected with the illness all around us. I think at the height of it there were 7 people who were pregnant (a cousin, 3 at church, 3 college friends) and more in the general public and acquaintances. We were going crazy. After more detours, we acquired substitute objects for nurturing: Kawaii and Sora Mimi, our black cats. Lily the cat had already died and we knew that we would be mentally unstable if Daisy died and we were left without something to nurture.
Here we are. At foster parenting class in Fall 2003. God had obviously led us there, and we are smiling because the trainer keeps saying tantalizing things like "We almost had to place a baby with one of you this last week because we were having trouble finding a placement."

Jealousy was definitely a factor. Each time the yearning reaches fever pitch that's a danger, but God is there, trying to teach me something if I will chose to listen. I think the story at that point was to realize that He was in control.

So then 2004, younger son is placed in our home, but he is not adoptable. We apply for other children in care, but we have no other placements and our mailed out homestudies bring back nothing.

2005, he is adoptable but they think we might not be the right choice (something about making judgments about us based on skin tone and hair color.... isn't that discrimination?) We fear that they will place him in another home, and wonder how long this process will take and if we will ever have 2 children. (Because we're greedy people who want more than one, you know?)

2006 - he is adoptable, and is adoptable by us. Some hurdles to jump over... well the social worker had to do the running and jumping for us, while we waited in nervous anticipation. We also knew, with the end in sight, that we were going to start adoption #2 asap and we were going to do it internationally (because I was definitely old enough now - March 2003 I wasn't 25 yet... that's the magic age for many countries). God led us to Ethiopia. We started researching and God set apart our children. I wanted a baby, something small and snuggly and beautiful, but God has better plans. So I had the baby yearning, but God said "My ways are better." He also pointed out Proverbs 3:27-28. Several times.

2007 - In less than 1/2 the time for our first adoption, our second adoption is completed and we have 4 children. Those first months are too intense for much yearning except for sleep, peace, quiet, happiness and people to understand the language you are speaking. And for things to stop being broken, hidden and written on. And... No, I'll stop. I had a pregnant sister-in-law on each side of the family that year. We looked into foster parenting in 08 (the social worker came toour house and told us to wait a few months =) ) and went to a domestic infant adoption meeting at Bethany in the fall of 08 I guess, so obviously we were wishing for a baby of some sort (because we aren't going to sign up for disrupting birth order again out of our own wisdom - about 1/2 of the early drama stemmed straight from that).

2009 - there was a point where I was almost filling out paperwork to work with CHASK (they work with finding families who are interested in special needs kids - and although those words kept us away from India and Hong Kong in 2003, by 2007 we had 4 children that qualified by age or medical condition as a special needs adoption... so those words weren't as scary anymore). I was almost ready to fill it out with my husband's blessing. Then we realized that we didn't really have any resources to pay for the homestudy and legal fees, so we stopped.

I guess I never really did stop wanting the next baby. My plan from young child on was to always have a "current" baby in the house until I was grandmothered. That's not the way God needed to refine me. It's interesting the friends I have now who are on that path... but had no intention of walking that path 15 years ago. God needed them on my dream path and I'm on a different one. For His glory.

Other things He has taught me- Babies are a gift. Gifts don't have to be earned or deserved, they are priceless, and He has given us ALL a baby. One baby, the most precious of them all. He gave human kind HIS baby to take care of. And I keep coming back to that truth, that even if the only baby God ever gave someone was the fact that "He so loved the world that He gave His one and Only Son" (Jn 3:16) that would be enough. My feelings often do not line up with that, but it is true. He's also working on me to cherish what I have and reminding me that people older than me are still allowed to parent infants (the window is not closed - and I'm not just talking Sarah in the Bible, I'm talking non-miraculous conceptions). That this is for His glory and my perfection.

I really, really, really like babies. I wish I could have one to care for. But then I realize that unless I figure out how to ovulate I need to pass a homestudy and I have a bit of work to do to be ready for that, I have some work to do. So I'm trying to channel that yearning. My husband banned me from thinking about babies a few months ago... but the size 6 clothing and 13 shoes are making him yearn too.

I suppose I'm done. The moral of this story is "Tread carefully" Our nerve endings regarding little children are a bit raw at the moment... looking at my chronology they seem that they have been since about 2002, except for that period of time when we had a baby in the house... except that there was this fear that he'd leave - so they were always raw then as well. Don't promote me to some other peer group yet... the peer group of "youngest child is in elem. school" I can't take it. Sign me up for nursery duty or some place that I can cuddle someone. And Pray that God's will be done and His glory is served, no matter what else is next. (But seriously... there are babies in orphanages in this world... that can't mean that there's a shortage? I mean... can't we have just one?)

Yeah. Pray for our mental health =) In checking out a date for the timeline I found an email. I told my SIL that if I had been married for 8 years w/o a child I would have been a raving lunatic. So I'm going to go clean part of my house. I'm trying to channel the emotion into a productive goal. And trying to channel it into loving less cuddly, more critical types of children who still need a Mommy.

God bless. And if you have a baby in your house, or ever had a baby in your house - give them a good snuggle and a kiss and REMEMBER - they are a gift and a blessing - no matter how it may look at the moment.

Post -anything depression

I am starting out with some photos of my beautiful family since some of you haven't seen us in months. I just have been so busy parenting and trying to take care of life that sitting down to blog hasn't even been on the "to do" list.

We have been busy with Classical Conversations with our homeschooling, learning, growing, trying to figure out how to organize our house and visit our family and develop deeper relationships with our friends.

Our family is learning and growing but I realize that we have a lot of post-even depression.

People have heard of postnatal depression, we all know of the grief after the loss of a loved one, and many in the adoption field have heard of post-adoption depression.

If you would have asked me during this process I wouldn't have identified myself as depressed during the first year of the children home. I had a hard time after Grandpa died, but that is understandable.

Lately I have come to the conclusion that stress, loss and grief takes many different forms and causes many reactions, all very different from person to person. Loss and grief can be about unexpected things and appear in unexpected ways.

For some of the kids the grief is that I'm not like their other mother figure, or little cultural things here and there over and over that they miss. The fact that we insist that they learn our way of doing certain things in the house when they feel like their old way was quite good.

Around here the most common reaction to grief and loss is anger.

Although many times we are complimented on how happy the children seem when out in public, and they are happy in many ways, at home we see a lot of anger. When we're out of the house the things they grieve are not so much in the forefront of their mind and experiences - they can concentrate on other things which aren't so intimately entwined in things related to family relationships.

I should have figured it out sooner, but I now realize that I've been having my own tantrums for many of the same reasons. I am angry at some of the things I have lost. I never for a moment want to stop being my children's mother - but I miss things.

I mourn for the days:
When my house was a place where no one was hit.
When people didn't yell at each other at my house.
Where if I had to spend my time with people who were being spiteful, mean and miserable I could go home and feel better.
Where my choices and actions weren't constantly criticized and used as excuses for bad behavior.
When I had time and emotional energy available to really pay attention to my husband and when he had the same for me in the evenings
For that matter - time to just talk to each other and be heard and understood by each other.
When I could deal with adolescent fluctuations with dignity and grace.
When my husband and I didn't have to disagree about things like telelvision and DS usge.
I didn't lay in bed with my stomach in a knot worrying that someone was going to treat me spiteful and mean before I even got to breakfast.
When I could formulate a sentence and most people understood what I was saying instead of the times where nothing I say seems to make sense to those around me and/or they tell me that what I said was the reason why they did something atrocious.

I guess I never envisioned so much strife in my own household. I mourn the change in my relationship with my husband and the fact that my children are angry at each other and at me on a regular basis. Some of it is normal, but part of me just screams and stamps my feet (and I am childish enough that sometimes that is literal...) when my hopes and dreams are crushed in little every day ways... like finding bills and trash smooshed into a plastic bag and shoved on a bookshelf. Or finding out that a child kicked a smaller child HARD instead of asking me for help. Or for when I could turn to my spouse for help or a listening ear and he wasn't worn out so thin that he could give it to me.


Now that I realize what it is I'm so angry about, I hope I can come to terms with it. Mourn it if I have to. Acknowledge that some of those things are part of my pre-older-child-adoption life. That some of the things would have been inevitable with any type of parenting. And then I need to pray about what God wants to see in my family and start working on the new, which will be beautiful and good in it's own way.

Granpa, I miss you

Granpa, I wasn't ready for you to leave. None of us were. I mean, we know you were 83 but we all thought we had more memories to make with you.

When my Dad called, we were camping. I thought I'd be all right. That I'd grieve you in a nice and tidy package. You were not outwardly demonstrative of affection, I know I've heard you talk more about politics and the stock market than I have of poignant reminisces of family and friends.

But I find myself breaking down in sobs again and again. It may have been that you were supposed to be at your house two weekends later for my family to visit, for my children to get to know you better. It may have been that I still had your present that I was afraid to mail, long overdue.

It hurts to have you gone. Because although you weren't a huggy-kissy person you were strong and steady, a presence to depend on. Maybe that's what keeps surprising me with the sorrow - that after 30 years you won't be there anymore.

I remember coming to your house for every Christmas. I remember Easters. I remember if there was a month we didn't travel west to your house you traveled east to ours. I remember your heart attacks, but I was too young to understand why all the grown-ups were SO worried. I remember walking with you - to the McDonald's in Canonsburg, at flea markets, to Wood's Creek - you loved the fact that they still had the old-fashioned playground equipment.

I remember after Grandma died.... time stood still in your house. I can't fathom how much that hurt. You couldn't, didn't move anything that Grandma had touched for such a long time, you wanted to keep her close to you. I was glad to hear that you found a new woman for your life after all those years alone, but I didn't want to meet her at your funeral. I wanted you to introduce her to me. I also know that although you didn't have the friendliest of relations with your mother-in-law that you were there visiting her in the nursing home all the time.

I remember how much you adored holding Adam and Joshua and that I saw it again with Jesse. I am glad you saw 5 of your great-grandchildren. (Although I bet they don't look anything like you may have imagined decades ago). It still hurts that cancer took that privilege away from Grandma.

You supported my college attendance by driving me there and picking me up many times over 3 and a half years. Thank you so much. I don't think I said it then and you can't hear me now.

Well... I know on those trips to college that you weren't saved. I wanted you to be in heaven, but I didn't know how to talk to you about it. I'm glad the book of John I gave you was there, in the kitchen - your "office" for the last 17 years or so. When Grandpa Boughter came to the viewing and told me he knew you were in Heaven, it was such a comfort. I desperately want to see you again and I was so scared that I wouldn't.

Granpa - you were a great man. I had questions I wanted to ask you, memories of your mother and father, of courting Grandma, of waiting years for your children - whether it was intentional or if you dealt with infertility like we have. And more, so much more. My father, who takes after you... was ready to reminisce. He told stories that week of your funeral, which I am thankful for.

David Sprowls Johnston
born April 15, 1925 Johnston farm, Canonsburg, PA
farmer, welder, Merchant Marine, husband, father, World War II Vet, grandfather, uncle and more
You left October 5, 2008 Washington hospital

We miss you very much.

Hepatitis B

Hepatitis means the inflammation of the liver. It can be caused by abuse of the liver, such as is caused by alcoholism, and it can be caused by an infection.

Hepatitis B is caused by a virus. There is a vaccine for it, that you can get from your doctor or local health department. It's part of routine vaccinations for children now. People infected by Hepatitis B can have an acute infection which they recover from within 6 months or they can have a chronic infection which is lifelong.

350 million people in the world have chronic Hepatitis B. Some of them have no symptoms. Since vaccination became a regular occurrence in the USA the number of cases has decreased. Even so, the estimate is that 1 million people in the USA are infected.

You can check my facts at the Center for Disease Control website. I think that the FAQ's are fairly thorough as well.

Why does this matter?

Because without information we usually have misconceptions. We have fear of the unknown and we react in exaggerated ways.

I also want to copy this for you, right from the CDC website.

How is hepatitis B spread?

Hepatitis B is spread when blood, semen, or other body fluid infected with the hepatitis B virus enters the body of a person who is not infected. People can become infected with the virus during activities such as:

• Birth (spread from an infected mother to her baby during birth)
• Sex with an infected partner
• Sharing needles, syringes, or other drug-injection equipment
• Sharing items such as razors or toothbrushes with an infected person
• Sharing food that has been pre-chewed by an infected person
• Direct contact with the blood or open sores of an infected person
• Exposure to blood from needlesticks or other sharp instruments

and

What are ways hepatitis B is not spread?

Hepatitis B virus is not spread by sharing eating utensils, breastfeeding, hugging, kissing, holding hands, coughing, or sneezing. Unlike hepatitis A, it is not spread routinely through food or water. However, there have been times hepatitis B has been spread to babies when they have received food pre-chewed by an infected person.

Now that you're informed, I know that you won't over-react or act like someone is a danger to you when I tell you the next information.

One of our children has chronic Hepatitis B. After we had committed to our sibling group from Ethiopia but before the court date. When our case manager found out, she called us and gave us a week to decide if we wanted to proceed with the adoption of that child.

We knew that God had led us to our children, and if God had led us, then we could follow. We have learned that God knows so much more than we do - so we can trust His plans over ours any day. Sometimes we aren't wise enough to trust Him because we think we're smart....

We let you all meet our children without any fear. If you have fear now - let me ask you - are you going to do any of those things on the list with my child? The one you are most at risk is
"Direct contact with the blood or open sores of an infected person" and we've been with our children to take care of blood and sores. You should be careful with anyone's blood in today's world, so please be careful if my children bleed around you.

If you are really worried, like I said, there is a vaccine that you can receive that can make you immune. Hugging, kissing, sharing forks, being sneezed on - are not putting you or your children at risk (they have probably already been vaccinated). If you're worried about us - Little has been vaccinated from birth and Mommy and Daddy had the Hepatitis A and B combo vaccine before we traveled to Ethiopia - it's a standard recommendation for those traveling to Ethiopia. The other siblings have the antibodies - so they were also infected but developed resistance to it and are now immune.

Right now, the virus is not affecting the child. The liver is healthy, the child is fine. We see a pediatric gastroenterologist once a year. We are praying for healing, for it never to make our child sick. The CDC webpages say that a Hepatitis B person can have no symptoms for 20 or 30 years. I don't know if that's a promise or an average. If it is a promise, I am glad we have insurance and ready medical care to help fight the disease, something that would not have been available at home in Ethiopia.

Why didn't we tell you sooner? We don't know what you know about Hepatitis B, and whether you'd research it or let fear guide you. We knew that in your interactions with our child you weren't going to be harmfully exposed. Integrating older children into a family has it's own challenges - we didn't want to add another level of complexity or awkwardness - we wanted you to meet the child, not the diagnosis. Now you know the child, and can realize that the diagnosis, while serious, does not have to make you react differently, except to pray more.

Polar Bear Parenting

I took the kids to see Arctic Tale as the free summer movie. It was a little intense for them since it was their first National Geographic-animals in the wild footage. They came away a little overwhelmed and testy.

Queen Latifah narrates and the personification of the polar bears, walruses and other creatures. My kids had some trouble with the animals eating animals (that's the way it is...) because people are supposed to be nice to people.

At lunch we were talking about the movie some more and Princess said that it was sad when the mother bear sent her daughter away. The movie follows the female bear Nanu, from crawling out of the birthing cave to wondering if she'll survive in the end (I took the kids for the animal/science exposure... not the "The polar ice caps will all melt if we don't all recycle everything and buy a hybrid car" theme that they didn't pick up on since they probably don't even comprehend the existence of a polar ice cap) Food is scarce and "earlier than normal" Nanu's mother scares her away so that her mother and she are not competing for the same limited resources in the same area.

"Why would a mother send her child away?" was the question, along with "Do mother's send them away?" I gave the guarantee that I wouldn't send them away, but animals often do that if there isn't enough food. "Do people do that?" was another question around the table. "Yes, sometimes people do that, not because of food but for other reasons."

Then Princess says "Yes, mothers do that. Our mom sent us away." Matter of fact, a revelation.

And that comment stuck with me. Nanu's mother by instinct knew that two bears couldn't hunt in that same area, the resources were limited and sent her cub away. I doubt that the mother bear thought about having to "send her daughter away earlier than normal" or "hoped that she'd be all right" or regretted probably "never seeing her again" or whatever the exact words were. But there weren't enough resources to share. They'd both starve to death (according to the movie) competing for the same resources on the same land, so Momma Bear growled and threatened Nanu away.

Although it's hard to fathom here in my house in suburban U.S. the situation my children and millions of other children live in within the borders of Ethiopia and other nations, it seems that their mother was faced with a similar scenario. So many times comfortable citizens of the U.S. lament "How could a parent give them up?" when discussing an adoption plan. But the insight for me is poignant. What if you're faced with the fact that your children can not survive if they stay with you - that no matter what you do the resources you have to share are not enough to keep them healthy - or even alive? What if you are faced with the knowledge that the best you can do is not enough, can not be enough to see them to adulthood? Faced with the choice between your children wasting away or the hope that there are more resources that they can utilize elsewhere - where they could find what they need to thrive not just subsist or worse.... What choice do you choose?

As scary as the unknown is - sometimes a parent may be faced with the fact that no matter what, they can't provide. The known is something that is more awful than sending your children away from you.

I can not begin to imagine what life is like for my children's first mother. I have no idea what it feels like for her on a day to day basis, nor what her hopes and dreams are for her children here other than to grow up and learn healthy and strong. Or maybe the foremost hope is just that they would LIVE. She had to make a terrible decision because of the terrible situation of her life. I pray for her and for wisdom and strength in parenting the children she entrusted to us.

I leave you with the photo for Mammie (the great-grandmother) of the 5 great-grandchildren (she has a series of photos of the 5 grandchildren so this is the next part of the series) It's the best we took - perhaps my brother has a better one. Hopefully he doesn't mind me publishing his baby online either... I'll ask him.

Some photos

So, part of the reason we have a blog is to share photos. Here are some, from Eldest's camera.








The boys.




















And the girls












And a cute combo picture. Because it's
Eldest's camera, I was having trouble finding one where Sister looked happy to have her picture taken. I don't know what Eldest says before she snaps, but I was finding less than smiling photos from number 2. But this one was good.

Help me out and save on your car insurance

For those of you who don't know, I work for GEICO.

GEICO is trying to get the employees to market for them, so if you don't already have GEICO for Auto insurance, and you call for a quote using 1-800-342-9070 and enter code 097369, I will get $15 for each person who calls. You don't have to buy a policy, just get a quote. Of course, if you find that you can save money, you may want to buy a policy :)

If you have some down-time, help me out!

Thanks!

Family Planning

Have you ever released something into God's hands because you know He can take care of it infinitely better than you can, only to find that you've subconsciously have a death grip on it?

I was thinking this morning while I was gardening. (We had the encouragement of other people to start a garden... we needed a support group. So this is year 1. Today I harvested something like 6 snap peas, 5 leaves of lettuce and large quantities of crabgrass).

Anyhow, I thought of lots of things, after I calmed down on the people who were still sleeping who were in the way of me doing laundry and the person who "cleaned" by moving a bunch of boxes so the cats couldn't easily get to their litter box nor I to the laundry room. Sigh. So I was thinking.

A dear friend had the compassion to warn me before her public pregnancy announcement, because she knows that there are times in my life where I have trouble being joyful with those who are joyful in that circumstance. Praise God, that is not the case at this moment. I was genuinely excited for her, with no negativity or jealousy at all. (The times when I have issues tend to be when I have more than 6 friends and family member expecting simultaneously. The count is at 3 at the moment. I have the emotional resources to be fine with that number).

Yes... and I've lost the fertile people already. They've tuned out of this post, or else, perhaps are praying for me and my particular psychological problems at the moment. For those of you still with me, curious about the title of the post or the opening sentence, let's continue.

Before marriage we talked about letting God determine when we would conceive and have children and how many children and how they were spaced (up to a point. My husband had deep fears about following in his father's footsteps with having children in the house at an age he wanted to retire... he had a cut off point). We let it in His hands.

But of course we had preferences. Back to the friend who warned us - Daddy told her that I had told him that if it was a red-headed girl I would hold him while he cried. She didn't quite get it, thinking that I would need more comforting. But really... we had hopes. His was to have his first child be a daughter, and if possible a red head. (There is a good possibility that I have the DNA for it... my grandfather's nickname is Brick because of what his hair looked like back in the day. We're not sure about Jonathan's side). You release it into God's hands, but you still have your hopes about how it would be fulfilled.

If you know us, you know we've never had that little girl. We miss her. The red hair seems... frivolous now - superficial with her absence. Do we trust God to be good all the time? I guess deep in our hearts we are terrified that leaving it in God's hands He may chose that our family is complete with the children we have.

And is it ungrateful? Are we devaluing our other children? Are they not what we really wanted? Are they just substitutes for the mythical Aletheia Karis who was named, along with Jeshurun Micah who brought his own middle name before we were even engaged?

We put it in God's hands. He has led us on a journey we would not have charted back in 1996, just barely 20 and turning 18 as we anticipated marriage and family. The biological children who we expected to have 2 of by the time we were married 5 years (5th anniversary was Dec 2003) didn't show up. So we were able to follow God's leading. To foster care and a transracial adoption (one member of the marriage had promised to never, ever be a foster parent). Our first child was born Dec 2003 but wasn't legally ours until 2006.

Each step, God has changed our direction. From biological to international adoption, from India to Korea to PG county. We look for the right direction - or maybe we're trying to be in control of what we gave to God. Eventually we find the right path. 2nd child (which turned to 2nd, 3rd and 4th) from foster care adoption, to international, Ukraine, to Ethiopia. From an infant and preschooler to adopting 4 children between the ages of 3 and 12 to bringing home 3 children ages 6 to 12.

So here we are again. The nutritionist believes that if my body is fed properly it should be able to get pregnant. In the last year we've attended domestic infant information sessions (expensive!) and Foster Care meetings (our house is too cluttered to take a child... if we clean it up we could get licensed). So we're waiting. We don't know which way to walk. We are at the point where we think about it.... almost compulsively. The advertisement in the mail with two babies among the packing peanuts from an opened cardboard box - We'll take one through the mail - they even come in sets! The plea in the church bulletin for the agency that needs couples open to any race baby... is there any possible way we could finance it? The children are learning the 10 commandments... I wonder if "You shall not covet your neighbor's baby" is understood to be part of number 10. These are things that pop up on a daily basis between Mommy and Daddy here.

Getting pregnant ... we can't afford to invest our emotions to deeply, it could hurt too much. Faithful, godly people have prayed for a pregnancy and continue to pray for it over the years - we know God CAN do it, but is it His will now?

Content in all circumstances. Trusting God in all things. The desires of our hearts.

We of course look and see... is there something we need to learn? To do? To change? Is He waiting until we're better parents? Until someone in our family is more emotionally stable, whether it be Mom, Dad, a sister or a brother? Should we seek to shelve this desire or should we be working toward it being realized (like decluttering and clearing out bedroom space for the foster license. I guess we should work on that anyhow =)... )

So I guess we're seeking wisdom again about which way to go. We're getting our information and seeking where God is in this. When the aching gets overwhelming I realized gardening this morning that I forgot.... we put this in His domain years ago. We told him over a decade ago that we wanted Him to be sovereign over the family planning. He has been faithful... our plans have come to no fruition as He steers us where He wants us to go. He has been good, SO good - 4 beautiful wonderful children to love and care for. A house full of children. (That's another one... should we move? Should we wait until we can move and find a house with more bedrooms or a different floor plan first?)

So part of the pain is wanting to be in control and the frustration of not being in control. I pray I remember that the only One who has enough wisdom and power to accomplish the perfect plan is the One we put in charge and I just submit to Him in this and in all things. So I just need to find out what His plan is for the family so I can work with Him.


And two posts in a week.... I better watch out or I'll be logging too much time online catching up with all the other adoptive families I have bookmarked. Blogs can be addictive.

I'm still here

Well, life has been busy, and has just gotten busier with school being over. I was looking forward to lazy days of summer, but my schedule has been intense. And school isn't really over, we do it year round here. Life round?

My children have grown a whole lot. In the fall I'll be tutoring for our local Classical Conversations where all 4 children will be attending in the fall. When we took Eldest out of the University-Model School in January we enrolled her in Classical Conversations (CC for short) and it was the perfect fit for what we needed. Classical education is based on the Trivium, or three paths of Grammar, Dialectic and Rhetoric. Young children can memorize tons of information, young teenagers start delving into the whys and hows and older teens and adults (should be able to) synthesize the information they understand to make points and persuasive arguments and draw conclusions. So all 4 will be memorizing facts, according to their ability about U.S. History with a class once a week.

Eldest son had his last day of public school (ever?) yesterday. Next week he starts homeschool again while Princess has Basketball camp. For most afternoons we plan to be at the pool. I have hopes to clean things out and organize and move where we do school work, but those jobs may be saved for rainy afternoons... I don't know. The week after Eldest Son has Baseball camp and then we go camping with our friends from Mount Oak.

So - we're doing pretty well. I've spent less time on the computer, and therefore less time thinking about blogging. I know people I love want to read updates however, so here is one.

-Mommy

Welcome to the Blog of horrible non-updatedness

Yeah, just haven't had much time to type. Life's pretty much as normal as anyone who knows what to expect would expect from a family with 4 kids including a 12 year old girl. The 12 year old girl adds lots of character. So does the 4 year old boy and the 7 year old boy, and the 9 year old girl (alternately sour and sweet) - it's a regular cast of characters here.

So what's up?

Trying to get a more fuel efficient car with a lower payment.
Hoping the value of our house will go back to what we paid for it so we can get into one that's laid out better.
Cleaning up our junk and throwing / giving most of it away, since we haven't really touched most of it since we moved 2+ years ago.
Trying to figure out how to live in the budget we need to (we've got a good pattern down, but staying there is tough).

That's the highlight's I suppose!

If you're on Facebook, add me as a friend using my cowbaka@gmail.com address. I'm hidden, but you should be able to get me via email.

Pictures, which I AM legally allowed to use!

You know, WalMart / Target will usually print any digital pictures you send them, but sometimes they get persnickety about "professional" prints. Anyway, this picture WAS purchased in digital format from Sears by my mother!

Merry Christmas! (not "Happy Holidays")

Merry Christmas everyone! Not "happy holidays" - as Brad Stein says, "there are a bunch of holidays in February too, but no one says 'happy holidays' - they call it what it is! 2000 years later, Jesus is still intimidating people". :)

I'm really on an acapella (Firefox doesn't seem to know that word) Christmas music kick this year. I've been listening a lot to some slightly older stuff from

Manhattan Transfer who also has a new CD out (well it came out last year, but I just got it this year) and Rockapella (another Rockapella CD)

There are a few new Christmas CDs out which I've enjoyed a good bit. Christmas music is about the only music I buy any more. When I buy it from ITunes or import it into my music library, I always make it a point to change the genre to "Christmas" since it seems to always come in as "holiday" :)

OK, I don't know why, but Blogger has an "Edit Html" pane, but it hijacks anything you do (sort of like Microsoft but much worse). If you want to not allow HTML editing, don't. Offering this half-baked solution is completely bogus.

Anyway, scroll waaaaayyyy down for the rest of this post.

	This is my favorite new CD this year - it's also where the Brad Stein quote above comes from.
	This is the best of the "various artists" offerings of 2007 IMO.
	There's a really awesome song on here "Quiet Christmas Night" - probably my favorite new Christmas song of the year. The other 2 tracks are all right, but not as good as Jaci's Christmas CD from a couple years back.
	This band's pretty good for a Disney band. They are Christians, but the songs on their other CDs is not written from a Christian world-view. This CD's quite good, though.
	I enjoyed this CD, but there's really not much Michael W Smith on it - it's more orchestra and choir.
	I am actually a little ashamed of Relient K for releasing this CD - since almost all of it is exactly the same tracks as their "Deck the Halls Bruise Your Hand" CD. I should have just bought the tracks that were different - but if you don't have the other CD, buy this one.
	This CD has some awesome tracks, although there was 1 I really didn't like at all because it was a bit raunchy. Maybe they think they made up for it by reading from Luke 2 on another track?

This One's For Bernie

If you were at MO 5 or more years ago, and involved in Children's Ministry, you knew Bernie. Why I'm talking about him today involves one of his controversial practices...

Breaking news to the 5th graders

that

there

was

no

Santa Claus.

Why am I remembering Bernie today?
Yesterday Mr. Clean came home from school and told me I had to mail a letter to the fictitious man. I told him I wasn't going to do it. He told me that it was an assignment and was very, very distressed that I said there was no Santa Claus when his teacher had told them all about seeing a reindeer with a red nose in the sky and that it was Santa practicing.
So it was a parents vs. teacher evening, and quite frankly, in his eyes, the teacher wins. I don't blame him really, because he is on his best behavior at school (he received the responsibility award 1st semester) and he is not at home - so he gets consistently good feedback from her and both kinds from me.
I got emotionally involved because it drives me INSANE how the public school system says that they can not teach anything about Jesus, or the reason why Christmas STARTED or even really why it's called CHRISTmas without the ACLU closing in. But their employee can work on instilling a faith in a fat man who breaks into your house while you're sleeping.
I really have nothing against St. Nick himself. I enjoyed the fantasy as a kid, but I'm a literalist and always have been. Tell me the whole truth and nothing but the truth or I'll feel betrayed. I promised myself that my kids would always know the truth about Santa Claus, negative numbers and ellipses. (Yes, I remember finding out that what I had been taught to believe was wrong about each of these things and wondered why the adults couldn't have just told me the truth from the beginning). There's a magic to the Santa Claus story.

BUT

If you can't teach faith in the public school -
DON'T teach my children faith in a myth that is currently about getting more stuff when our world is consumerist enough already.

I guess I should use my soapbox to dismount from my high horse. Daddy had to help me with what to write for the teacher.

Mr. Clean - there IS NO Santa Claus. There WAS a Christian Saint where this all started - but no fat man will be bringing you Thomas trains this Christmas. There are grown ups who love to give presents in secret - and that's a good memorial to Saint Nicolas. I wish you could believe me instead of her.

Maybe Daddy will chime in with his moderated thoughts about my emotions so you can get his side.

In the Middle

I opened the can of worms.
I have no idea if anyone is reading, and if so who - I don't know my audience. 4 people have talked about the blog in recent history, one of them being Daddy, so I may just be talking to myself. I don't know how to check. If there is a wider audience, I've been ruminating.

I don't want to defend myself. I believe my children needed a parent and I desperately wanted to be their parent. I do want to be introspective, because I can't afford to not try to understand the issue of race better.

My last post could alienate me to both sides. To the people who have lived their whole lives on the island of Caucasia, where travelers from other ethnicities visit but don't live, I'm almost a traitor to acknowledge that racism still exists.

To the people who live on some other islands - by trying to say "I've shared that experience." I've only proved that I don't understand part of the nitty-gritty of their life.

I'm never going to be African American. I'm never going to be Ethiopian. I can't even "pass" for having a gene tie to my children to people of African descent - if he or she says "mom" they say "So, you adopted" and not in the form of a question.

But as their mom I need to work on this gap between white privilege and racism. The disparity between the experiences and treatment. There is no guarantee what types of experiences my children will have, but the world is far from perfect. While I hope the balance is tipped towards the times they feel loved, accepted and included, I know there will be times when they feel left out, different and outside. I need to learn how to help them deal with the things that are unfair.

I don't know where to go with this one. Racism exists, my children will experience it in their lives in ways that I can't. I hope that some of my experiences can help them, but I also need the experiences of people who have experienced "walking in their skin" to help them. I'm a light-skinned woman who has a vested interest in race issues, who is aware of the color of my "world" and who spends time trying to understand race in dialogue and study. I'm also the mother of children with skin of deeper hues but I don't have the generations of knowledge of how to cope with and fight racism without being broken by it.

In the middle.

Racism

I feel like I may have just put my foot in my mouth again. I was reading Tracey's blog, a fellow adoptive mom that I've met in Real Life and I felt compelled to reply to a post.

But did I just sound like an ignorant white?

There are experiences that people of color have because of the systemic racism in society. Things where people act out of wrongly held assumptions, pigheadedness, ignorance and bigotry. Sometimes I feel compelled to say "Me too." I've been mistaken for the store employee: "Do you work here?" irregardless of the color shirt I'm wearing or lack of smock. I don't know what the visual clues are, but I've come across the people who aren't looking for dark skin or textured hair.

Likewise, I've been trailed in stores as a potential shoplifter. Not so much with kids, I like the pretty knick-knack stores. I don't go in them anymore, because they don't work well with a toddler. But I regularly had an employee shadow "Can I HELP you?" while eying where I might have pockets. So I guess it was discrimination against people under 30 who like coats with lots of pockets.

I've been ignored and overlooked because I've been "too young". I've been discredited and discriminated against because of the color of my skin "My mom told me I don't have to listen to a white teacher." And I've been told that a stranger might be a better parent for the child I've cared for because he isn't the same race as me.

I guess what I want to say is that discrimination and mistaken identity - I've been asked if I'm the sponsor for my children - since it was the best explanation for the worker at the international market. She took what she saw and tried to make sense of it. A late twenties light girl with straight hair and an adolescent Ethiopian girl doesn't automatically read as "mother-daughter" for the majority of the population.

We all need to be stretched. We try to understand the world based on what we've known to be true of it in the past. Some people have a lot of mistaken untrue beliefs that they use to filter the world - wrong beliefs about women, people who look different, people who speak with an accent, people who are too young to have the same life experiences or those who have had so much life experience that we think we can discount them because they are outdated.

In addition, so much is misunderstandings. There is overt calculated devaluing of people, there are the subconscious decisions that we make based on what we believe is true. Then there are the accidents, the misinterpretations. Tracey wasn't talking about them in her post, but I live in a life of blunders. Some people of diversity believe it's discrimination when a white person won't look them in the eye in a public place. Then there's me. I don't always have the self-esteem to look strangers in the eye, and I'm just as likely to "snub" the person who looks like my grandmother the same way I just snubbed you. And I've had enough classes and read enough articles and books (WHY do they think it would be in his best interests to be in a different family?) that I know there are people who don't think that I should be their mom... and I don't want to invite a confrontation in case they are a member of the National Association of Black Social Workers.

I know, I'm a wimp. I'd rather not have a negative social interaction so often I choose to avoid social interactions with strangers. Sometimes I force myself into them, I join groups and attend meetings... Very often I do not know what to say to people. Like "Please tell me what I don't know about locks."

I don't have a way to wrap this up, so I'll just leave my ending hanging.

Autumn

It's November and I am so completely unprepared for the holidays. I am barely keeping my head above water with school right now (is there a course for how to manage all the stuff that comes with your children being in school so that you're not behind in EVERYTHING or is it just that much easier when you start with one in Kindergarten that people "catch on" faster?)

We're still here, we're getting by. We've done 4 birthdays in the last 3 months and have one to go. Being a scrooge, I asked if we can pick a significant birthday and just let people have parties on the significant birthday - like only for turning 10, 13 and 16 or something. I didn't manage one a month very well. I think the answer was that Daddy will take care of birthday party planning next year.

Her Royal Highness has grown a lot this last year, and only someone who has adopted an older child from a place of malnutrition can understand the fullness of what I'm saying. When you compare her and princess, and princess is wearing her clothing from Jan/Feb, if the waistband is elastic, Princess has a small waist, it's very difficult to comprehend that a person can grown and change that much in such a short time.

Little is on the rampage. It was driving me to despair, but I'm feeling more in control. The nutritionist suggested that it was the terrible twos come late... "Praise the Lord!" because it's healthy and normal. I was so miserable, I wanted her to say "I have a supplement that makes them stop raging like a possessed person." "You're right, he's taking eating too much _______." (You know, blame it on refined sugar, or red dye 40 or something). This couldn't be normal, this must be the result of intense emotional issues and I don't know how to discipline it. I finally googled "terrible twos" and it is descriptive of what we have - the name calling, the toy throwing, the tantrums, the hitting, biting (he bit my thigh yesterday!) the disobedience is described as part of that developmental stage where you realize your own ability to impact the world and your competence to do some things for yourself.

Ai-yi-yi. He would have been much easier to contain and discipline when he was the size of a one year old. But we didn't have terrible twos... there was nothing terrible at all about two. So normal development is necessary and I guess..... this is a .... good.... sign? I suppose at least I can make a plan based on this... terrible twos are a stage that doesn't last forever and there are techniques for dealing with it (although I don't see the advice for when they are breaking the siblings things... or throwing shoes at your head... most 24 month olds don't have the aim that Little does).

Mr. Clean is doing well at school, 1st grade is a good fit for him and the worst he's brought home so far was Halloween stories, which .... would have been nice to skip but at first grade were tame...

Princess forgot her glasses today. I'm partially inclined to believe that there may need to be an "on purpose" after that. Both girls are convinced they don't really need them and try to get out of wearing them. She's fine with 2nd grade math and 1st grade reading/language arts. Social Studies and Science is hard, with vocabulary and "______ dead?"... the concept of the flow of time is not quite there. Regal Highness also has an incredible amount of vocabulary that makes those subjects difficult. We are planning on partially enrolling them for the spring and doing social studies and science at home.

Royal Highness is painfully aware that she's the oldest child in the school... something we didn't expect when we enrolled her. Her classmates are Princess's age mates - at the field trip yesterday Princess "fit" in size wise (although I'm afraid a lot of the information was lost on her... "James mother dead?" Regal Highness replies "George. George Washington." Princess is concerned about if he's dead and how many brothers and sisters he had... I was hoping we'd learn a bit more about the first President of the United States. I think Mr. Clean's learning experience was that Anne's classmates are fun to play soccer with... I guess I should be glad we didn't invest a lot of money in the experience and when we revisit George and his mother Mary there may be a glimmer 0f recognition (like hatchets are a fun birthday gift?).

Tangenting... in our current society, would it even be legal to give a minor a sharpened hatchet as a gift? The toy aisle in Target... sharpened tools with warnings on the packaging saying "Contains sharp parts, not suitable for children under the age of 13." No way I'd give one of my boys an object of destruction to be their very own any time in the next several years... the tour guide asked the student actor what he thought he'd say to his son when he presented the gift... my answer was "Don't use it on the furniture. - oh wait, I'd never give my kids that gift in the first place." Augustine Washington... you definitely lived in a different world than I did. "George, remember you can't take that hatchet on school property, or you could be arrested."

More later... hopefully you won't have to wait 2 months. I thought Daddy was going to be posting to HIS blog in October...

Schooling

Let me begin with a disclaimer - Don't get too excited by the last post. We're in the research phase because we want to reduce the dreaded waiting phase to a bare minimum. This hasn't been so easy that we've got the process down to it's simplicity and we're looking for the challenge.

But God does command His people to care for widows and orphans, and I'm convinced that we are to open our home again at some point (and Daddy votes for "soon" because of retirement).

Regarding schooling.

I am totally convinced that homeschooling is a wonderful, ideal thing. I believe that parents are THE people with the responsibility to make sure their children grow up being taught the important things about life and unfortunately many public schools can not be trusted to help with that job without teaching a lot of bad stuff on the way.

We homeschooled from the time the kids came home (January) through August. Daddy said we were sending them to school and after struggling (my own struggles with pride, rebellion and submission to authority) and giving it over to God I submitted to his lead.

Her Regal Highness (and was she pulling that one off today - submitting to the authority of the parents is hard for anyone her age, the selfishness and pride that make one chafe under authority were rearing their ugly heads) and Princess are attending a University-Model School.
They attend on Tuesdays and Thursday and their teachers at the school hand over the lesson plans for Monday, Wednesdays and Fridays and I teach those days.

Mr. Clean (I wish he could be persuaded that he NEEDS the lotion after the bath instead of fighting it) is attending the local public school.

Little (let's not leave anyone out) is becoming all grown up. Another reason why I need a baby. He's potty-trained. He's talking in complete sentences most of the time. I have a book for him when he wants to "do" school but he's learning quickly and with the shared language teachable moments are everywhere. So he's being homeschooled the way many "2 a haf" year olds who are really almost 4 (yes, he doesn't answer the question "How old are you?" correctly) .

Daddy felt that Mommy and Mr. Clean needed space from each other. And he was right. Despite my convictions that I was supposed to be his best and primary teacher there's a whole lot of dynamics that work better in this family with us having our separate spaces for a portion of the day. And the public school came highly recommended from various sources. We were going to send Princess there, until ESOL talked about putting her in 3rd grade.

Which is lovely about their school. Princess is in 2nd grade and attends 1st grade for Language Arts. We're actually mostly on her comprehension level although her math computation skills are away and beyond the curriculum (but it's good to have something be easy and gives her the space to learn things like graphs and word problems). Her Regal Highness is in 4th grade (she told her Dad that she is bigger than any of the other girls in 4th-6th grade) but the work is largely on her level as well (Language Arts being the difficult thing - but it's sticky to put a girl who's hit puberty and stands over 5' in 3rd grade).

So my life has calmed down. I no longer fear the tantrums because I know that I have the space and resources to deal with them. I don't have to be "on alert" for large portions of the day because of inter-child dynamics.

I hated the idea of sending my children away to school because I knew I was capable of homeschooling and I believed it was the best option for anyone who was capable of it. The thing was, while I have the training and know how to teach, I don't have the emotional and I guess psychological reserves to parent high structure high nurture and teach with all 4 in the same place. There are too many needs that people want met RIGHT NOW and after a certain amount of stress the nurture flies out the window and you have crazy Mommy.

I think we found the right balance. There are still days that are crazy, but I believe at this time God has called us to use the support of public and private school educators to teach our children. I didn't think I would be able to entrust my children to a public school especially after my experience teaching here. (Unfortunately when we taught there it was a poster school for all that can go wrong with public education in the US. Looking at some of the recent data -I left the school after the 00-01 school year - things have improved).

So that's what we're doing here. Today I worked with the girls and spent some time with Little without too many outbursts from any of them and no hitting or kicking that I know of during the hours that Mr. Clean was at school. I don't have to worry about what to teach him or how to motivate him and now that I don't have to make him do his assignments (because the ones from school are easy/fun and/or it's a lot more fun to please your teacher than your Mommy) he has fewer opportunities for defiance and chooses not to be defiant more of the time (instead he has so much to tell me about what happened that day in 1st grade). The girls have the individual teaching time that they need to learn the subject matter in a new language. And Little and I have 2 days a week at a slower pace which makes both of us more sane.

So -that's what happened with school.