Wounded People

I'm thinking today about beautiful children, created in the image of God, who satan is attacking to try to fight against God. He damages their families of origin, breaks them apart from them and leaves them lose and unattached. The fear and pain these children have is immense, and not something they can work with on their own.

Oh, the grief. And it's God's grief. On the adoption webboard that I am a member of, someone posted about a disruption. It rends my heart. Because that could be my daughter there. They described a child, a gorgeous, brilliant child, who has hurts so deep she has to subtly control her family. The family has gone beyond the end of their rope, farther than they ever imagined, over what some people believe are "little" things, but for them, in the day to day, it is ripping everything that is good and healthy about their family apart.

To not be able to go on - for the family who brought this girl home, it is a pain that is deep and filled with shame and guilt. Yet there is so much fear about how what has already become worse and worse could become even more. And the enemy of our souls is using this, using this to create an opening in all their lives for more attack. And an opening in others' lives- other adopted children who may know the girl who will be going to a new home - other adoptive parents who wonder if maybe their child will never get better - other prospective adoptive families who look and see all the best intentions and devotion crumbling to dust - and the "general public" who will take their own notes and tell their story their own way.

I have to give a disclaimer here. I don't know all of the details of the story. In fact, maybe I'm not even describing it just quite right. But there is a resonance, and I'm working through it.

My children need a safe place. All children need a safe place. All adults need a safe place, and then have a duty to create havens for children. When we are removed from the safety the terror can set in and make us crazy or unable to function well because we're in an adrenaline fight-flight-freeze mode - not good for problem solving.

I have wonderful, magnificent, amazing children. One of them will tell you that those words are an act. That I'm play acting at being a good parent by saying them to impress you, and that it's all an act, that I believe the opposite of it. Her hurts and betrayals.... yes, even the hopeless choices that are better than not making a choice can be a betrayal... they are so deep that they have scarred her to the very essence of who she is. The father of lies whispers in her ear that she does not have worth - or else this person or that person would have done this or that thing to value her.

And it doesn't help things that she's a girly-girl and I'm the antithesis. My passions being different from hers are just another echo that she doesn't belong, that I don't like her. (Ugh.. I think the logical conclusion is that I should go shopping with her.... Pray for me, ok?) And because she has the fear and rejection wrapped up in the core of her being, she tests. She sets emotional land mines to see how much of her defects will make me give up on her.

And it's interesting - it's not Dad so much- which may be the difference between the girl in the beginning of this post and my daughter. She tests him but feels more secure. But there's a mother on both sides of the Atlantic for this girl, one who sent her away and one that she is waiting to send her away. Because, in her world, mothers do that to their daughters. Not always to their tiny sons, which creates incredible jealousy, but to the older girls - they aren't important. They're expendable. You hand them off to someone else to raise.

I should stop here, to protect whatever privacy is left. =) Which makes this quiet space where very few go a safe place to write this. But please, if you are here, pray for the girls who believe they have been abandoned and rejected. The ones that would rather have the sense of control by manipulating the emotional mood of the family rather than the vulnerability of being nurtured. The ones who are waiting for the next rejection.

~~Mommy~~

I Surrender........... some things?

All to Jesus, I surrender, all to Him I freely give.
I will ever love and trust Him, in His presence daily live.

I surrender all,
I surrender all;
All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.

All to Jesus I surrender; humbly at His feet I bow.
Worldly pleasures all forsaken, take me Jesus, take me now.

God has been teaching me lately that I'm not surrendering all. I have surrendered a lot, and in my mind I sacrificed and surrendered quite a lot. I think that it should be good enough and that He shouldn't want anymore. I think of others I know who haven't surrendered as much and I wonder why He would want more from me - I mean aren't there other people He needs to focus on.

Oh the arrogance. What right do I have to hold onto any of it? Wasn't and isn't it all a gift from His hand to begin with? I am a steward - I need to care for what He has entrusted to me. I don't have any right to horde and refuse to allow Him access to things. And as for the other people? "Who are you to judge someone else’s servant? To their own master, servants stand or fall. And they will stand, for the Lord is able to make them stand." Romans 14:4

Jesus wants all of me. There are many things that we want to compromise on, that we want to negotiate. We have our eyes off the goal and instead are focused on our desires.

"Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them. For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever." 1 John 2:15-17

Oh, there are so many things of this life that I find that I love too much. I find it out when I have a temper tantrum or a jealous rage because that was MY thing that was messed up, lost, broken or taken. That was MY shelf that someone shoved trash onto. MY time to do what I wanted.

The sin. Let me qualify - we all need time for rest, time for personal study and work and passions. But when we, when I, elevate the priority of the thing, the space, the time higher than our relationships with others or with God, it has become and idol. We are worshiping something that should not be worshiped.

I am praying that I can learn to worship only the One True God. That I can learn to love Him and then love these people created in His image more than my possessions, my hopes, my plans, my time, my schedule, my approval rating from others.

"Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Mark 10:43-45

I don't want to serve. Honestly, I don't. There are a few areas that are tedious and painful work for some that I enjoy - that's hardly a servant's heart to volunteer in Children's Ministry when I love Children's Ministry. For others, it is an act relying on the power of a Mighty God to work in them as they force one step at a time into the nursery. But there are other areas where I want someone else to do the work. Where I believe I am entitled to things. Entitled to time, to treatment, to being exempted from work.

So that's what I'm working on. Learning that no, it's not about "good enough" because that's not what Jesus came for. We weren't good enough before hand, that's why He had to come. We weren't good enough to deserve it, He had to initiate everything. And we were redeemed to live a life of radical obedience with His love in the center, to die to self and carry our cross - which isn't about good enough, it's about a love for Him that motivates everything we do.

So I'm working on falling in love with Jesus, because there is so much more than this selfish life I've been living. There is a whole lot more that redemptive love can do for good compared to what my selfish tantrums do to hurt people and keep them from growing to Jesus.

Four Years

Yep.

You all figured that we'd given up on the blog.

And don't get your hopes up either.

But my girls reminded me today that this is their four year anniversary of coming to the US. Four years. If you doubt it has been that long, this is what the older three looked like on that day, four years ago, when they learned that January in Virginia is COLD:

They are frequently found either in denial that it's cold (trying to go out in bare feet or shorts in freezing weather) or complaining about the cold. This is definitely not a tropical climate.


There have been a lot of changes in all of our lives in the last four years. I pray that God can do His will and be glorified through us instead of us following our own selfish natures.

For comparison, this photo is from last month. It's been a long journey.

We have been busy this year, all the kids being homeschooled, attending a co-op and Classical Conversations classes each week. 2nd daughter was Memory Master in Classical Conversations in the spring. We sold the trailer, but everyone who isn't Daddy and the oldest still camp, and we'll be at Mahaffey this summer, one way or another.
The Ethiopian family gathering had smaller attendance this year, but we enjoyed the people who were able to make it. June 25th for anyone who has Ethiopians in their family who would like to join us for fellowship and Ethiopian food.

In the fall all 3 older kids were champions in Parks and Rec soccer. Mom went to work at a local school for Before and After Care. We are looking at putting the boys into school next year and who knows, maybe everybody the year after.

Emotionally we're still on a roller coaster, although some people seem to be evening out - but hormones... yes... hormones.
Please continue to pray for us, I know from the Bible that God has prepared good works in advance for us to do. Pray that we are faithful and available.