I opened the can of worms.
I have no idea if anyone is reading, and if so who - I don't know my audience. 4 people have talked about the blog in recent history, one of them being Daddy, so I may just be talking to myself. I don't know how to check. If there is a wider audience, I've been ruminating.
I don't want to defend myself. I believe my children needed a parent and I desperately wanted to be their parent. I do want to be introspective, because I can't afford to not try to understand the issue of race better.
My last post could alienate me to both sides. To the people who have lived their whole lives on the island of Caucasia, where travelers from other ethnicities visit but don't live, I'm almost a traitor to acknowledge that racism still exists.
To the people who live on some other islands - by trying to say "I've shared that experience." I've only proved that I don't understand part of the nitty-gritty of their life.
I'm never going to be African American. I'm never going to be Ethiopian. I can't even "pass" for having a gene tie to my children to people of African descent - if he or she says "mom" they say "So, you adopted" and not in the form of a question.
But as their mom I need to work on this gap between white privilege and racism. The disparity between the experiences and treatment. There is no guarantee what types of experiences my children will have, but the world is far from perfect. While I hope the balance is tipped towards the times they feel loved, accepted and included, I know there will be times when they feel left out, different and outside. I need to learn how to help them deal with the things that are unfair.
I don't know where to go with this one. Racism exists, my children will experience it in their lives in ways that I can't. I hope that some of my experiences can help them, but I also need the experiences of people who have experienced "walking in their skin" to help them. I'm a light-skinned woman who has a vested interest in race issues, who is aware of the color of my "world" and who spends time trying to understand race in dialogue and study. I'm also the mother of children with skin of deeper hues but I don't have the generations of knowledge of how to cope with and fight racism without being broken by it.
In the middle.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Monday, November 26, 2007
Racism
I feel like I may have just put my foot in my mouth again. I was reading Tracey's blog, a fellow adoptive mom that I've met in Real Life and I felt compelled to reply to a post.
But did I just sound like an ignorant white?
There are experiences that people of color have because of the systemic racism in society. Things where people act out of wrongly held assumptions, pigheadedness, ignorance and bigotry. Sometimes I feel compelled to say "Me too." I've been mistaken for the store employee: "Do you work here?" irregardless of the color shirt I'm wearing or lack of smock. I don't know what the visual clues are, but I've come across the people who aren't looking for dark skin or textured hair.
Likewise, I've been trailed in stores as a potential shoplifter. Not so much with kids, I like the pretty knick-knack stores. I don't go in them anymore, because they don't work well with a toddler. But I regularly had an employee shadow "Can I HELP you?" while eying where I might have pockets. So I guess it was discrimination against people under 30 who like coats with lots of pockets.
I've been ignored and overlooked because I've been "too young". I've been discredited and discriminated against because of the color of my skin "My mom told me I don't have to listen to a white teacher." And I've been told that a stranger might be a better parent for the child I've cared for because he isn't the same race as me.
I guess what I want to say is that discrimination and mistaken identity - I've been asked if I'm the sponsor for my children - since it was the best explanation for the worker at the international market. She took what she saw and tried to make sense of it. A late twenties light girl with straight hair and an adolescent Ethiopian girl doesn't automatically read as "mother-daughter" for the majority of the population.
We all need to be stretched. We try to understand the world based on what we've known to be true of it in the past. Some people have a lot of mistaken untrue beliefs that they use to filter the world - wrong beliefs about women, people who look different, people who speak with an accent, people who are too young to have the same life experiences or those who have had so much life experience that we think we can discount them because they are outdated.
In addition, so much is misunderstandings. There is overt calculated devaluing of people, there are the subconscious decisions that we make based on what we believe is true. Then there are the accidents, the misinterpretations. Tracey wasn't talking about them in her post, but I live in a life of blunders. Some people of diversity believe it's discrimination when a white person won't look them in the eye in a public place. Then there's me. I don't always have the self-esteem to look strangers in the eye, and I'm just as likely to "snub" the person who looks like my grandmother the same way I just snubbed you. And I've had enough classes and read enough articles and books (WHY do they think it would be in his best interests to be in a different family?) that I know there are people who don't think that I should be their mom... and I don't want to invite a confrontation in case they are a member of the National Association of Black Social Workers.
I know, I'm a wimp. I'd rather not have a negative social interaction so often I choose to avoid social interactions with strangers. Sometimes I force myself into them, I join groups and attend meetings... Very often I do not know what to say to people. Like "Please tell me what I don't know about locks."
I don't have a way to wrap this up, so I'll just leave my ending hanging.
But did I just sound like an ignorant white?
There are experiences that people of color have because of the systemic racism in society. Things where people act out of wrongly held assumptions, pigheadedness, ignorance and bigotry. Sometimes I feel compelled to say "Me too." I've been mistaken for the store employee: "Do you work here?" irregardless of the color shirt I'm wearing or lack of smock. I don't know what the visual clues are, but I've come across the people who aren't looking for dark skin or textured hair.
Likewise, I've been trailed in stores as a potential shoplifter. Not so much with kids, I like the pretty knick-knack stores. I don't go in them anymore, because they don't work well with a toddler. But I regularly had an employee shadow "Can I HELP you?" while eying where I might have pockets. So I guess it was discrimination against people under 30 who like coats with lots of pockets.
I've been ignored and overlooked because I've been "too young". I've been discredited and discriminated against because of the color of my skin "My mom told me I don't have to listen to a white teacher." And I've been told that a stranger might be a better parent for the child I've cared for because he isn't the same race as me.
I guess what I want to say is that discrimination and mistaken identity - I've been asked if I'm the sponsor for my children - since it was the best explanation for the worker at the international market. She took what she saw and tried to make sense of it. A late twenties light girl with straight hair and an adolescent Ethiopian girl doesn't automatically read as "mother-daughter" for the majority of the population.
We all need to be stretched. We try to understand the world based on what we've known to be true of it in the past. Some people have a lot of mistaken untrue beliefs that they use to filter the world - wrong beliefs about women, people who look different, people who speak with an accent, people who are too young to have the same life experiences or those who have had so much life experience that we think we can discount them because they are outdated.
In addition, so much is misunderstandings. There is overt calculated devaluing of people, there are the subconscious decisions that we make based on what we believe is true. Then there are the accidents, the misinterpretations. Tracey wasn't talking about them in her post, but I live in a life of blunders. Some people of diversity believe it's discrimination when a white person won't look them in the eye in a public place. Then there's me. I don't always have the self-esteem to look strangers in the eye, and I'm just as likely to "snub" the person who looks like my grandmother the same way I just snubbed you. And I've had enough classes and read enough articles and books (WHY do they think it would be in his best interests to be in a different family?) that I know there are people who don't think that I should be their mom... and I don't want to invite a confrontation in case they are a member of the National Association of Black Social Workers.
I know, I'm a wimp. I'd rather not have a negative social interaction so often I choose to avoid social interactions with strangers. Sometimes I force myself into them, I join groups and attend meetings... Very often I do not know what to say to people. Like "Please tell me what I don't know about locks."
I don't have a way to wrap this up, so I'll just leave my ending hanging.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Autumn
It's November and I am so completely unprepared for the holidays. I am barely keeping my head above water with school right now (is there a course for how to manage all the stuff that comes with your children being in school so that you're not behind in EVERYTHING or is it just that much easier when you start with one in Kindergarten that people "catch on" faster?)
We're still here, we're getting by. We've done 4 birthdays in the last 3 months and have one to go. Being a scrooge, I asked if we can pick a significant birthday and just let people have parties on the significant birthday - like only for turning 10, 13 and 16 or something. I didn't manage one a month very well. I think the answer was that Daddy will take care of birthday party planning next year.
Her Royal Highness has grown a lot this last year, and only someone who has adopted an older child from a place of malnutrition can understand the fullness of what I'm saying. When you compare her and princess, and princess is wearing her clothing from Jan/Feb, if the waistband is elastic, Princess has a small waist, it's very difficult to comprehend that a person can grown and change that much in such a short time.
Little is on the rampage. It was driving me to despair, but I'm feeling more in control. The nutritionist suggested that it was the terrible twos come late... "Praise the Lord!" because it's healthy and normal. I was so miserable, I wanted her to say "I have a supplement that makes them stop raging like a possessed person." "You're right, he's taking eating too much _______." (You know, blame it on refined sugar, or red dye 40 or something). This couldn't be normal, this must be the result of intense emotional issues and I don't know how to discipline it. I finally googled "terrible twos" and it is descriptive of what we have - the name calling, the toy throwing, the tantrums, the hitting, biting (he bit my thigh yesterday!) the disobedience is described as part of that developmental stage where you realize your own ability to impact the world and your competence to do some things for yourself.
Ai-yi-yi. He would have been much easier to contain and discipline when he was the size of a one year old. But we didn't have terrible twos... there was nothing terrible at all about two. So normal development is necessary and I guess..... this is a .... good.... sign? I suppose at least I can make a plan based on this... terrible twos are a stage that doesn't last forever and there are techniques for dealing with it (although I don't see the advice for when they are breaking the siblings things... or throwing shoes at your head... most 24 month olds don't have the aim that Little does).
Mr. Clean is doing well at school, 1st grade is a good fit for him and the worst he's brought home so far was Halloween stories, which .... would have been nice to skip but at first grade were tame...
Princess forgot her glasses today. I'm partially inclined to believe that there may need to be an "on purpose" after that. Both girls are convinced they don't really need them and try to get out of wearing them. She's fine with 2nd grade math and 1st grade reading/language arts. Social Studies and Science is hard, with vocabulary and "______ dead?"... the concept of the flow of time is not quite there. Regal Highness also has an incredible amount of vocabulary that makes those subjects difficult. We are planning on partially enrolling them for the spring and doing social studies and science at home.
Royal Highness is painfully aware that she's the oldest child in the school... something we didn't expect when we enrolled her. Her classmates are Princess's age mates - at the field trip yesterday Princess "fit" in size wise (although I'm afraid a lot of the information was lost on her... "James mother dead?" Regal Highness replies "George. George Washington." Princess is concerned about if he's dead and how many brothers and sisters he had... I was hoping we'd learn a bit more about the first President of the United States. I think Mr. Clean's learning experience was that Anne's classmates are fun to play soccer with... I guess I should be glad we didn't invest a lot of money in the experience and when we revisit George and his mother Mary there may be a glimmer 0f recognition (like hatchets are a fun birthday gift?).
Tangenting... in our current society, would it even be legal to give a minor a sharpened hatchet as a gift? The toy aisle in Target... sharpened tools with warnings on the packaging saying "Contains sharp parts, not suitable for children under the age of 13." No way I'd give one of my boys an object of destruction to be their very own any time in the next several years... the tour guide asked the student actor what he thought he'd say to his son when he presented the gift... my answer was "Don't use it on the furniture. - oh wait, I'd never give my kids that gift in the first place." Augustine Washington... you definitely lived in a different world than I did. "George, remember you can't take that hatchet on school property, or you could be arrested."
More later... hopefully you won't have to wait 2 months. I thought Daddy was going to be posting to HIS blog in October...
We're still here, we're getting by. We've done 4 birthdays in the last 3 months and have one to go. Being a scrooge, I asked if we can pick a significant birthday and just let people have parties on the significant birthday - like only for turning 10, 13 and 16 or something. I didn't manage one a month very well. I think the answer was that Daddy will take care of birthday party planning next year.
Her Royal Highness has grown a lot this last year, and only someone who has adopted an older child from a place of malnutrition can understand the fullness of what I'm saying. When you compare her and princess, and princess is wearing her clothing from Jan/Feb, if the waistband is elastic, Princess has a small waist, it's very difficult to comprehend that a person can grown and change that much in such a short time.
Little is on the rampage. It was driving me to despair, but I'm feeling more in control. The nutritionist suggested that it was the terrible twos come late... "Praise the Lord!" because it's healthy and normal. I was so miserable, I wanted her to say "I have a supplement that makes them stop raging like a possessed person." "You're right, he's taking eating too much _______." (You know, blame it on refined sugar, or red dye 40 or something). This couldn't be normal, this must be the result of intense emotional issues and I don't know how to discipline it. I finally googled "terrible twos" and it is descriptive of what we have - the name calling, the toy throwing, the tantrums, the hitting, biting (he bit my thigh yesterday!) the disobedience is described as part of that developmental stage where you realize your own ability to impact the world and your competence to do some things for yourself.
Ai-yi-yi. He would have been much easier to contain and discipline when he was the size of a one year old. But we didn't have terrible twos... there was nothing terrible at all about two. So normal development is necessary and I guess..... this is a .... good.... sign? I suppose at least I can make a plan based on this... terrible twos are a stage that doesn't last forever and there are techniques for dealing with it (although I don't see the advice for when they are breaking the siblings things... or throwing shoes at your head... most 24 month olds don't have the aim that Little does).
Mr. Clean is doing well at school, 1st grade is a good fit for him and the worst he's brought home so far was Halloween stories, which .... would have been nice to skip but at first grade were tame...
Princess forgot her glasses today. I'm partially inclined to believe that there may need to be an "on purpose" after that. Both girls are convinced they don't really need them and try to get out of wearing them. She's fine with 2nd grade math and 1st grade reading/language arts. Social Studies and Science is hard, with vocabulary and "______ dead?"... the concept of the flow of time is not quite there. Regal Highness also has an incredible amount of vocabulary that makes those subjects difficult. We are planning on partially enrolling them for the spring and doing social studies and science at home.
Royal Highness is painfully aware that she's the oldest child in the school... something we didn't expect when we enrolled her. Her classmates are Princess's age mates - at the field trip yesterday Princess "fit" in size wise (although I'm afraid a lot of the information was lost on her... "James mother dead?" Regal Highness replies "George. George Washington." Princess is concerned about if he's dead and how many brothers and sisters he had... I was hoping we'd learn a bit more about the first President of the United States. I think Mr. Clean's learning experience was that Anne's classmates are fun to play soccer with... I guess I should be glad we didn't invest a lot of money in the experience and when we revisit George and his mother Mary there may be a glimmer 0f recognition (like hatchets are a fun birthday gift?).
Tangenting... in our current society, would it even be legal to give a minor a sharpened hatchet as a gift? The toy aisle in Target... sharpened tools with warnings on the packaging saying "Contains sharp parts, not suitable for children under the age of 13." No way I'd give one of my boys an object of destruction to be their very own any time in the next several years... the tour guide asked the student actor what he thought he'd say to his son when he presented the gift... my answer was "Don't use it on the furniture. - oh wait, I'd never give my kids that gift in the first place." Augustine Washington... you definitely lived in a different world than I did. "George, remember you can't take that hatchet on school property, or you could be arrested."
More later... hopefully you won't have to wait 2 months. I thought Daddy was going to be posting to HIS blog in October...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)