Have you ever released something into God's hands because you know He can take care of it infinitely better than you can, only to find that you've subconsciously have a death grip on it?
I was thinking this morning while I was gardening. (We had the encouragement of other people to start a garden... we needed a support group. So this is year 1. Today I harvested something like 6 snap peas, 5 leaves of lettuce and large quantities of crabgrass).
Anyhow, I thought of lots of things, after I calmed down on the people who were still sleeping who were in the way of me doing laundry and the person who "cleaned" by moving a bunch of boxes so the cats couldn't easily get to their litter box nor I to the laundry room. Sigh. So I was thinking.
A dear friend had the compassion to warn me before her public pregnancy announcement, because she knows that there are times in my life where I have trouble being joyful with those who are joyful in that circumstance. Praise God, that is not the case at this moment. I was genuinely excited for her, with no negativity or jealousy at all. (The times when I have issues tend to be when I have more than 6 friends and family member expecting simultaneously. The count is at 3 at the moment. I have the emotional resources to be fine with that number).
Yes... and I've lost the fertile people already. They've tuned out of this post, or else, perhaps are praying for me and my particular psychological problems at the moment. For those of you still with me, curious about the title of the post or the opening sentence, let's continue.
Before marriage we talked about letting God determine when we would conceive and have children and how many children and how they were spaced (up to a point. My husband had deep fears about following in his father's footsteps with having children in the house at an age he wanted to retire... he had a cut off point). We let it in His hands.
But of course we had preferences. Back to the friend who warned us - Daddy told her that I had told him that if it was a red-headed girl I would hold him while he cried. She didn't quite get it, thinking that I would need more comforting. But really... we had hopes. His was to have his first child be a daughter, and if possible a red head. (There is a good possibility that I have the DNA for it... my grandfather's nickname is Brick because of what his hair looked like back in the day. We're not sure about Jonathan's side). You release it into God's hands, but you still have your hopes about how it would be fulfilled.
If you know us, you know we've never had that little girl. We miss her. The red hair seems... frivolous now - superficial with her absence. Do we trust God to be good all the time? I guess deep in our hearts we are terrified that leaving it in God's hands He may chose that our family is complete with the children we have.
And is it ungrateful? Are we devaluing our other children? Are they not what we really wanted? Are they just substitutes for the mythical Aletheia Karis who was named, along with Jeshurun Micah who brought his own middle name before we were even engaged?
We put it in God's hands. He has led us on a journey we would not have charted back in 1996, just barely 20 and turning 18 as we anticipated marriage and family. The biological children who we expected to have 2 of by the time we were married 5 years (5th anniversary was Dec 2003) didn't show up. So we were able to follow God's leading. To foster care and a transracial adoption (one member of the marriage had promised to never, ever be a foster parent). Our first child was born Dec 2003 but wasn't legally ours until 2006.
Each step, God has changed our direction. From biological to international adoption, from India to Korea to PG county. We look for the right direction - or maybe we're trying to be in control of what we gave to God. Eventually we find the right path. 2nd child (which turned to 2nd, 3rd and 4th) from foster care adoption, to international, Ukraine, to Ethiopia. From an infant and preschooler to adopting 4 children between the ages of 3 and 12 to bringing home 3 children ages 6 to 12.
So here we are again. The nutritionist believes that if my body is fed properly it should be able to get pregnant. In the last year we've attended domestic infant information sessions (expensive!) and Foster Care meetings (our house is too cluttered to take a child... if we clean it up we could get licensed). So we're waiting. We don't know which way to walk. We are at the point where we think about it.... almost compulsively. The advertisement in the mail with two babies among the packing peanuts from an opened cardboard box - We'll take one through the mail - they even come in sets! The plea in the church bulletin for the agency that needs couples open to any race baby... is there any possible way we could finance it? The children are learning the 10 commandments... I wonder if "You shall not covet your neighbor's baby" is understood to be part of number 10. These are things that pop up on a daily basis between Mommy and Daddy here.
Getting pregnant ... we can't afford to invest our emotions to deeply, it could hurt too much. Faithful, godly people have prayed for a pregnancy and continue to pray for it over the years - we know God CAN do it, but is it His will now?
Content in all circumstances. Trusting God in all things. The desires of our hearts.
We of course look and see... is there something we need to learn? To do? To change? Is He waiting until we're better parents? Until someone in our family is more emotionally stable, whether it be Mom, Dad, a sister or a brother? Should we seek to shelve this desire or should we be working toward it being realized (like decluttering and clearing out bedroom space for the foster license. I guess we should work on that anyhow =)... )
So I guess we're seeking wisdom again about which way to go. We're getting our information and seeking where God is in this. When the aching gets overwhelming I realized gardening this morning that I forgot.... we put this in His domain years ago. We told him over a decade ago that we wanted Him to be sovereign over the family planning. He has been faithful... our plans have come to no fruition as He steers us where He wants us to go. He has been good, SO good - 4 beautiful wonderful children to love and care for. A house full of children. (That's another one... should we move? Should we wait until we can move and find a house with more bedrooms or a different floor plan first?)
So part of the pain is wanting to be in control and the frustration of not being in control. I pray I remember that the only One who has enough wisdom and power to accomplish the perfect plan is the One we put in charge and I just submit to Him in this and in all things. So I just need to find out what His plan is for the family so I can work with Him.
And two posts in a week.... I better watch out or I'll be logging too much time online catching up with all the other adoptive families I have bookmarked. Blogs can be addictive.
on we have a blog is to share photos. Here are some, from Eldest's camera.
