It takes extra effort

Tonight I was at a Bethany information session for domestic infant adoptions. (Yes, if anyone missed the memo, we were not planning to be finished after adoption number 2. We believe there are more children waiting to be in our family, and we're hoping to be able to shop the toddler dress section of the stores with this next one (nothing against boys, but we've been yearning to have someone at our house that can wear those epiphanies of cuteness).

So all of the families were (disappointingly) of European descent. Two of the four families represented are incredibly interested in pursuing Bethany's Embryo Adoption program. I was the only one there who had previously adopted, and transracially at that. I was asked for my opinions.

The summary of what I said: Don't be afraid of it, but research it before you do it.

On the drive home I thought about it more.
Children need parents. Any parent who is called to can parent a child in the respect of giving love, meeting needs and teaching them the Gospel. Depending on the child adopted (I'm thinking some older children/special needs adoptions) some of that parenting may not be accepted but it can be given irrespective of what the parent or child looks like.

But there is a respect that a white parent can not teach a child how to be black. There are questions about identity and belonging that can only be answered by the community that the child belongs to only with respect to their appearance (Daddy may just have to post his dissenting opinion on this one). Fully understanding how society defines and reacts to my children based on their appearance and how to respond to it in healthy ways just can not be taught just by me - there is some aspects of coping and learning that I just can't teach second or third hand no matter how many books I read or people I talk to.

Which made me think: Parenting transracially takes a little more effort. Most of us, I believe, parent intuitively - we parent the way we were parented, adding in some of the good techniques we saw our friends or relatives model, consciously trying to not repeat the mistakes that may have been trained into us.

But we have generations of children who were parented that way - by parents of a different culture than they were. And some things worked and others didn't. By and large the literature tells us that the parents can't just do it the way they inherited, they need to do some research, work a little harder.

You may have to consciously think about the race of who you use for a doctor or dentist. You have to be conscious of your social experiences and at times push to network yourself with people who are going to help reflect your child back to him or her in a way that you can't. (I truly think that until we find our image from Godwe rely on what others show us about who we are.) We see this with single parents needing a same-gender role model to interact with their children -there are aspects of identity that need to passed first hand.

I graduated from high school and college with people who may go to their grave having no ill effects of having no idea who Menelik I, Meles Zenawi, or the original the original Ras Tafari were/are. They may never be able to locate Djibouti, Mauritania, or the Gambia are on an unmarked map.

But my kids deserve that I know more. They deserve that I research. That I read the voices of adoptees like Jaiya John and of African Americans who have struggled with race in the United States. They deserve to have friends of the family in all colors and if it doesn't happen naturally then it needs to happen ON PURPOSE. By going to Mocha Moms by seeking for churches that don't just hope multiculturalism will happen but work to build those relationships.

Otherwise, if I don't put in that extra effort, the reflection all they'll see from me is my heritage and it won't all ring true for them. When they look for a reflection back they'll know that the light skin and straight hair doesn't tell the whole story of who they are. They don't need me to be black but they need me to give them the tools and stepping stones to define themselves - whether as Ethiopians, Africans, Blacks, African-Americans, Ethiopian-Americans or some other title.

The healthiest transracial adoptees that I've learned of and come across are those who have the benefit of being bi-cultural. They have the literacy and skills to be comfortable in both the racial cultures (as ambiguous as that is) of their biological AND adoptive families. I mourn for those who have to fight for that place of belonging in one or the other as they get older because they have felt disenfranchised from both. I want to give the first scenario to my children but it requires more than the education I already hold within me. I have to work harder to help them find that place of dual citizenship.

Someone at the meeting asked how the older children felt about being transracially adopted. I hadn't really had that discussion with them, so I asked my eldest when I came home. Her first answer was "bad temper" and then she asked me to repeat the question and apologized when she realized what she had said. (Bad temper is a standby reply in this house.)

For anyone considering transracial adoption Her Royal Highness says "Just do it, don't ask questions."