Wounded People

I'm thinking today about beautiful children, created in the image of God, who satan is attacking to try to fight against God. He damages their families of origin, breaks them apart from them and leaves them lose and unattached. The fear and pain these children have is immense, and not something they can work with on their own.

Oh, the grief. And it's God's grief. On the adoption webboard that I am a member of, someone posted about a disruption. It rends my heart. Because that could be my daughter there. They described a child, a gorgeous, brilliant child, who has hurts so deep she has to subtly control her family. The family has gone beyond the end of their rope, farther than they ever imagined, over what some people believe are "little" things, but for them, in the day to day, it is ripping everything that is good and healthy about their family apart.

To not be able to go on - for the family who brought this girl home, it is a pain that is deep and filled with shame and guilt. Yet there is so much fear about how what has already become worse and worse could become even more. And the enemy of our souls is using this, using this to create an opening in all their lives for more attack. And an opening in others' lives- other adopted children who may know the girl who will be going to a new home - other adoptive parents who wonder if maybe their child will never get better - other prospective adoptive families who look and see all the best intentions and devotion crumbling to dust - and the "general public" who will take their own notes and tell their story their own way.

I have to give a disclaimer here. I don't know all of the details of the story. In fact, maybe I'm not even describing it just quite right. But there is a resonance, and I'm working through it.

My children need a safe place. All children need a safe place. All adults need a safe place, and then have a duty to create havens for children. When we are removed from the safety the terror can set in and make us crazy or unable to function well because we're in an adrenaline fight-flight-freeze mode - not good for problem solving.

I have wonderful, magnificent, amazing children. One of them will tell you that those words are an act. That I'm play acting at being a good parent by saying them to impress you, and that it's all an act, that I believe the opposite of it. Her hurts and betrayals.... yes, even the hopeless choices that are better than not making a choice can be a betrayal... they are so deep that they have scarred her to the very essence of who she is. The father of lies whispers in her ear that she does not have worth - or else this person or that person would have done this or that thing to value her.

And it doesn't help things that she's a girly-girl and I'm the antithesis. My passions being different from hers are just another echo that she doesn't belong, that I don't like her. (Ugh.. I think the logical conclusion is that I should go shopping with her.... Pray for me, ok?) And because she has the fear and rejection wrapped up in the core of her being, she tests. She sets emotional land mines to see how much of her defects will make me give up on her.

And it's interesting - it's not Dad so much- which may be the difference between the girl in the beginning of this post and my daughter. She tests him but feels more secure. But there's a mother on both sides of the Atlantic for this girl, one who sent her away and one that she is waiting to send her away. Because, in her world, mothers do that to their daughters. Not always to their tiny sons, which creates incredible jealousy, but to the older girls - they aren't important. They're expendable. You hand them off to someone else to raise.

I should stop here, to protect whatever privacy is left. =) Which makes this quiet space where very few go a safe place to write this. But please, if you are here, pray for the girls who believe they have been abandoned and rejected. The ones that would rather have the sense of control by manipulating the emotional mood of the family rather than the vulnerability of being nurtured. The ones who are waiting for the next rejection.

~~Mommy~~

I Surrender........... some things?

All to Jesus, I surrender, all to Him I freely give.
I will ever love and trust Him, in His presence daily live.

I surrender all,
I surrender all;
All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.

All to Jesus I surrender; humbly at His feet I bow.
Worldly pleasures all forsaken, take me Jesus, take me now.

God has been teaching me lately that I'm not surrendering all. I have surrendered a lot, and in my mind I sacrificed and surrendered quite a lot. I think that it should be good enough and that He shouldn't want anymore. I think of others I know who haven't surrendered as much and I wonder why He would want more from me - I mean aren't there other people He needs to focus on.

Oh the arrogance. What right do I have to hold onto any of it? Wasn't and isn't it all a gift from His hand to begin with? I am a steward - I need to care for what He has entrusted to me. I don't have any right to horde and refuse to allow Him access to things. And as for the other people? "Who are you to judge someone else’s servant? To their own master, servants stand or fall. And they will stand, for the Lord is able to make them stand." Romans 14:4

Jesus wants all of me. There are many things that we want to compromise on, that we want to negotiate. We have our eyes off the goal and instead are focused on our desires.

"Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them. For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever." 1 John 2:15-17

Oh, there are so many things of this life that I find that I love too much. I find it out when I have a temper tantrum or a jealous rage because that was MY thing that was messed up, lost, broken or taken. That was MY shelf that someone shoved trash onto. MY time to do what I wanted.

The sin. Let me qualify - we all need time for rest, time for personal study and work and passions. But when we, when I, elevate the priority of the thing, the space, the time higher than our relationships with others or with God, it has become and idol. We are worshiping something that should not be worshiped.

I am praying that I can learn to worship only the One True God. That I can learn to love Him and then love these people created in His image more than my possessions, my hopes, my plans, my time, my schedule, my approval rating from others.

"Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Mark 10:43-45

I don't want to serve. Honestly, I don't. There are a few areas that are tedious and painful work for some that I enjoy - that's hardly a servant's heart to volunteer in Children's Ministry when I love Children's Ministry. For others, it is an act relying on the power of a Mighty God to work in them as they force one step at a time into the nursery. But there are other areas where I want someone else to do the work. Where I believe I am entitled to things. Entitled to time, to treatment, to being exempted from work.

So that's what I'm working on. Learning that no, it's not about "good enough" because that's not what Jesus came for. We weren't good enough before hand, that's why He had to come. We weren't good enough to deserve it, He had to initiate everything. And we were redeemed to live a life of radical obedience with His love in the center, to die to self and carry our cross - which isn't about good enough, it's about a love for Him that motivates everything we do.

So I'm working on falling in love with Jesus, because there is so much more than this selfish life I've been living. There is a whole lot more that redemptive love can do for good compared to what my selfish tantrums do to hurt people and keep them from growing to Jesus.

Four Years

Yep.

You all figured that we'd given up on the blog.

And don't get your hopes up either.

But my girls reminded me today that this is their four year anniversary of coming to the US. Four years. If you doubt it has been that long, this is what the older three looked like on that day, four years ago, when they learned that January in Virginia is COLD:

They are frequently found either in denial that it's cold (trying to go out in bare feet or shorts in freezing weather) or complaining about the cold. This is definitely not a tropical climate.


There have been a lot of changes in all of our lives in the last four years. I pray that God can do His will and be glorified through us instead of us following our own selfish natures.

For comparison, this photo is from last month. It's been a long journey.

We have been busy this year, all the kids being homeschooled, attending a co-op and Classical Conversations classes each week. 2nd daughter was Memory Master in Classical Conversations in the spring. We sold the trailer, but everyone who isn't Daddy and the oldest still camp, and we'll be at Mahaffey this summer, one way or another.
The Ethiopian family gathering had smaller attendance this year, but we enjoyed the people who were able to make it. June 25th for anyone who has Ethiopians in their family who would like to join us for fellowship and Ethiopian food.

In the fall all 3 older kids were champions in Parks and Rec soccer. Mom went to work at a local school for Before and After Care. We are looking at putting the boys into school next year and who knows, maybe everybody the year after.

Emotionally we're still on a roller coaster, although some people seem to be evening out - but hormones... yes... hormones.
Please continue to pray for us, I know from the Bible that God has prepared good works in advance for us to do. Pray that we are faithful and available.

Yearning...

First of all, I want to say that, yes, we are still here. Daddy purchased a new camera for me to use, so hopefully there will be more pictures to see soon. Soccer kept us busy - younger daughter's team won the championship.

Kids are in classes 3 days a week, 2 for Classical Conversations, one for a co-op and there's Homeschool PE twice a week. Busy.

I don't know if there is anyone who hopes to read anymore, and I don't know what they want to know (except that Desi wants PHOTOS) so my post may not be audience sensitive. I need to process emotionally somewhere safe and benign... so this empty room seems to be good.

I was going to entitle the post "Baby Fever", but figured that it would leave too much open for people to assume crazy things.

Here's a picture of my baby:


Well, no - that's my first child. These are my babies...
Sigh. They aren't. Some of you use that terminology, but you can all see those pictures up there. Two of them wear adult size clothing and even the smallest one has clothing picked up in the boys' section of the store, not infants and toddlers.

We're getting more intense in our wishing and hoping, again. I realize it's cyclical, it waxes and wanes. When we were first married (senior year of college) we didn't want to be pregnant just yet. Starting a new job, that was okay to settle into without a pregnancy.

By the time we had settled into the jobs and I had received a job offer to work in Children's Ministry at MO, well we were ready. That was what... 2002? Yes. 2002. The Caseys had Emma, and they shared her with us freely, but most of our other peers were still childless. Loving, godly, Christian people at church tried to tease us that we shouldn't make the decision to wait for children, I'd try to think how to tell them that we were not the ones who had made that decision...

Public service announcements: Jokes about babies, conception and "waiting to have children" are not funny to people struggling with infertility. For that matter jokes about "incentives" to increase your family might not be either. We can be pretty touchy depending how badly we are yearning, but we might not know how to tell you politely because we love you and we know you are not trying to be malicious in the least. So public service announcement - if you don't know... tread lightly with your jokes.

By 2003 the Baby Yearning (for Daddy it was a child yearning, he has not strong desires for newborns, but at that point we wanted something to nurture. We completed our first adoption application in March, after Daddy's birthday. We were detoured. Then detoured again. And again. Meanwhile, close friends and relatives were being infected with the illness all around us. I think at the height of it there were 7 people who were pregnant (a cousin, 3 at church, 3 college friends) and more in the general public and acquaintances. We were going crazy. After more detours, we acquired substitute objects for nurturing: Kawaii and Sora Mimi, our black cats. Lily the cat had already died and we knew that we would be mentally unstable if Daisy died and we were left without something to nurture.
Here we are. At foster parenting class in Fall 2003. God had obviously led us there, and we are smiling because the trainer keeps saying tantalizing things like "We almost had to place a baby with one of you this last week because we were having trouble finding a placement."

Jealousy was definitely a factor. Each time the yearning reaches fever pitch that's a danger, but God is there, trying to teach me something if I will chose to listen. I think the story at that point was to realize that He was in control.

So then 2004, younger son is placed in our home, but he is not adoptable. We apply for other children in care, but we have no other placements and our mailed out homestudies bring back nothing.

2005, he is adoptable but they think we might not be the right choice (something about making judgments about us based on skin tone and hair color.... isn't that discrimination?) We fear that they will place him in another home, and wonder how long this process will take and if we will ever have 2 children. (Because we're greedy people who want more than one, you know?)

2006 - he is adoptable, and is adoptable by us. Some hurdles to jump over... well the social worker had to do the running and jumping for us, while we waited in nervous anticipation. We also knew, with the end in sight, that we were going to start adoption #2 asap and we were going to do it internationally (because I was definitely old enough now - March 2003 I wasn't 25 yet... that's the magic age for many countries). God led us to Ethiopia. We started researching and God set apart our children. I wanted a baby, something small and snuggly and beautiful, but God has better plans. So I had the baby yearning, but God said "My ways are better." He also pointed out Proverbs 3:27-28. Several times.

2007 - In less than 1/2 the time for our first adoption, our second adoption is completed and we have 4 children. Those first months are too intense for much yearning except for sleep, peace, quiet, happiness and people to understand the language you are speaking. And for things to stop being broken, hidden and written on. And... No, I'll stop. I had a pregnant sister-in-law on each side of the family that year. We looked into foster parenting in 08 (the social worker came toour house and told us to wait a few months =) ) and went to a domestic infant adoption meeting at Bethany in the fall of 08 I guess, so obviously we were wishing for a baby of some sort (because we aren't going to sign up for disrupting birth order again out of our own wisdom - about 1/2 of the early drama stemmed straight from that).

2009 - there was a point where I was almost filling out paperwork to work with CHASK (they work with finding families who are interested in special needs kids - and although those words kept us away from India and Hong Kong in 2003, by 2007 we had 4 children that qualified by age or medical condition as a special needs adoption... so those words weren't as scary anymore). I was almost ready to fill it out with my husband's blessing. Then we realized that we didn't really have any resources to pay for the homestudy and legal fees, so we stopped.

I guess I never really did stop wanting the next baby. My plan from young child on was to always have a "current" baby in the house until I was grandmothered. That's not the way God needed to refine me. It's interesting the friends I have now who are on that path... but had no intention of walking that path 15 years ago. God needed them on my dream path and I'm on a different one. For His glory.

Other things He has taught me- Babies are a gift. Gifts don't have to be earned or deserved, they are priceless, and He has given us ALL a baby. One baby, the most precious of them all. He gave human kind HIS baby to take care of. And I keep coming back to that truth, that even if the only baby God ever gave someone was the fact that "He so loved the world that He gave His one and Only Son" (Jn 3:16) that would be enough. My feelings often do not line up with that, but it is true. He's also working on me to cherish what I have and reminding me that people older than me are still allowed to parent infants (the window is not closed - and I'm not just talking Sarah in the Bible, I'm talking non-miraculous conceptions). That this is for His glory and my perfection.

I really, really, really like babies. I wish I could have one to care for. But then I realize that unless I figure out how to ovulate I need to pass a homestudy and I have a bit of work to do to be ready for that, I have some work to do. So I'm trying to channel that yearning. My husband banned me from thinking about babies a few months ago... but the size 6 clothing and 13 shoes are making him yearn too.

I suppose I'm done. The moral of this story is "Tread carefully" Our nerve endings regarding little children are a bit raw at the moment... looking at my chronology they seem that they have been since about 2002, except for that period of time when we had a baby in the house... except that there was this fear that he'd leave - so they were always raw then as well. Don't promote me to some other peer group yet... the peer group of "youngest child is in elem. school" I can't take it. Sign me up for nursery duty or some place that I can cuddle someone. And Pray that God's will be done and His glory is served, no matter what else is next. (But seriously... there are babies in orphanages in this world... that can't mean that there's a shortage? I mean... can't we have just one?)

Yeah. Pray for our mental health =) In checking out a date for the timeline I found an email. I told my SIL that if I had been married for 8 years w/o a child I would have been a raving lunatic. So I'm going to go clean part of my house. I'm trying to channel the emotion into a productive goal. And trying to channel it into loving less cuddly, more critical types of children who still need a Mommy.

God bless. And if you have a baby in your house, or ever had a baby in your house - give them a good snuggle and a kiss and REMEMBER - they are a gift and a blessing - no matter how it may look at the moment.

Post -anything depression

I am starting out with some photos of my beautiful family since some of you haven't seen us in months. I just have been so busy parenting and trying to take care of life that sitting down to blog hasn't even been on the "to do" list.

We have been busy with Classical Conversations with our homeschooling, learning, growing, trying to figure out how to organize our house and visit our family and develop deeper relationships with our friends.

Our family is learning and growing but I realize that we have a lot of post-even depression.

People have heard of postnatal depression, we all know of the grief after the loss of a loved one, and many in the adoption field have heard of post-adoption depression.

If you would have asked me during this process I wouldn't have identified myself as depressed during the first year of the children home. I had a hard time after Grandpa died, but that is understandable.

Lately I have come to the conclusion that stress, loss and grief takes many different forms and causes many reactions, all very different from person to person. Loss and grief can be about unexpected things and appear in unexpected ways.

For some of the kids the grief is that I'm not like their other mother figure, or little cultural things here and there over and over that they miss. The fact that we insist that they learn our way of doing certain things in the house when they feel like their old way was quite good.

Around here the most common reaction to grief and loss is anger.

Although many times we are complimented on how happy the children seem when out in public, and they are happy in many ways, at home we see a lot of anger. When we're out of the house the things they grieve are not so much in the forefront of their mind and experiences - they can concentrate on other things which aren't so intimately entwined in things related to family relationships.

I should have figured it out sooner, but I now realize that I've been having my own tantrums for many of the same reasons. I am angry at some of the things I have lost. I never for a moment want to stop being my children's mother - but I miss things.

I mourn for the days:
When my house was a place where no one was hit.
When people didn't yell at each other at my house.
Where if I had to spend my time with people who were being spiteful, mean and miserable I could go home and feel better.
Where my choices and actions weren't constantly criticized and used as excuses for bad behavior.
When I had time and emotional energy available to really pay attention to my husband and when he had the same for me in the evenings
For that matter - time to just talk to each other and be heard and understood by each other.
When I could deal with adolescent fluctuations with dignity and grace.
When my husband and I didn't have to disagree about things like telelvision and DS usge.
I didn't lay in bed with my stomach in a knot worrying that someone was going to treat me spiteful and mean before I even got to breakfast.
When I could formulate a sentence and most people understood what I was saying instead of the times where nothing I say seems to make sense to those around me and/or they tell me that what I said was the reason why they did something atrocious.

I guess I never envisioned so much strife in my own household. I mourn the change in my relationship with my husband and the fact that my children are angry at each other and at me on a regular basis. Some of it is normal, but part of me just screams and stamps my feet (and I am childish enough that sometimes that is literal...) when my hopes and dreams are crushed in little every day ways... like finding bills and trash smooshed into a plastic bag and shoved on a bookshelf. Or finding out that a child kicked a smaller child HARD instead of asking me for help. Or for when I could turn to my spouse for help or a listening ear and he wasn't worn out so thin that he could give it to me.


Now that I realize what it is I'm so angry about, I hope I can come to terms with it. Mourn it if I have to. Acknowledge that some of those things are part of my pre-older-child-adoption life. That some of the things would have been inevitable with any type of parenting. And then I need to pray about what God wants to see in my family and start working on the new, which will be beautiful and good in it's own way.

Granpa, I miss you

Granpa, I wasn't ready for you to leave. None of us were. I mean, we know you were 83 but we all thought we had more memories to make with you.

When my Dad called, we were camping. I thought I'd be all right. That I'd grieve you in a nice and tidy package. You were not outwardly demonstrative of affection, I know I've heard you talk more about politics and the stock market than I have of poignant reminisces of family and friends.

But I find myself breaking down in sobs again and again. It may have been that you were supposed to be at your house two weekends later for my family to visit, for my children to get to know you better. It may have been that I still had your present that I was afraid to mail, long overdue.

It hurts to have you gone. Because although you weren't a huggy-kissy person you were strong and steady, a presence to depend on. Maybe that's what keeps surprising me with the sorrow - that after 30 years you won't be there anymore.

I remember coming to your house for every Christmas. I remember Easters. I remember if there was a month we didn't travel west to your house you traveled east to ours. I remember your heart attacks, but I was too young to understand why all the grown-ups were SO worried. I remember walking with you - to the McDonald's in Canonsburg, at flea markets, to Wood's Creek - you loved the fact that they still had the old-fashioned playground equipment.

I remember after Grandma died.... time stood still in your house. I can't fathom how much that hurt. You couldn't, didn't move anything that Grandma had touched for such a long time, you wanted to keep her close to you. I was glad to hear that you found a new woman for your life after all those years alone, but I didn't want to meet her at your funeral. I wanted you to introduce her to me. I also know that although you didn't have the friendliest of relations with your mother-in-law that you were there visiting her in the nursing home all the time.

I remember how much you adored holding Adam and Joshua and that I saw it again with Jesse. I am glad you saw 5 of your great-grandchildren. (Although I bet they don't look anything like you may have imagined decades ago). It still hurts that cancer took that privilege away from Grandma.

You supported my college attendance by driving me there and picking me up many times over 3 and a half years. Thank you so much. I don't think I said it then and you can't hear me now.

Well... I know on those trips to college that you weren't saved. I wanted you to be in heaven, but I didn't know how to talk to you about it. I'm glad the book of John I gave you was there, in the kitchen - your "office" for the last 17 years or so. When Grandpa Boughter came to the viewing and told me he knew you were in Heaven, it was such a comfort. I desperately want to see you again and I was so scared that I wouldn't.

Granpa - you were a great man. I had questions I wanted to ask you, memories of your mother and father, of courting Grandma, of waiting years for your children - whether it was intentional or if you dealt with infertility like we have. And more, so much more. My father, who takes after you... was ready to reminisce. He told stories that week of your funeral, which I am thankful for.

David Sprowls Johnston
born April 15, 1925 Johnston farm, Canonsburg, PA
farmer, welder, Merchant Marine, husband, father, World War II Vet, grandfather, uncle and more
You left October 5, 2008 Washington hospital

We miss you very much.

Hepatitis B

Hepatitis means the inflammation of the liver. It can be caused by abuse of the liver, such as is caused by alcoholism, and it can be caused by an infection.

Hepatitis B is caused by a virus. There is a vaccine for it, that you can get from your doctor or local health department. It's part of routine vaccinations for children now. People infected by Hepatitis B can have an acute infection which they recover from within 6 months or they can have a chronic infection which is lifelong.

350 million people in the world have chronic Hepatitis B. Some of them have no symptoms. Since vaccination became a regular occurrence in the USA the number of cases has decreased. Even so, the estimate is that 1 million people in the USA are infected.

You can check my facts at the Center for Disease Control website. I think that the FAQ's are fairly thorough as well.

Why does this matter?

Because without information we usually have misconceptions. We have fear of the unknown and we react in exaggerated ways.

I also want to copy this for you, right from the CDC website.

How is hepatitis B spread?

Hepatitis B is spread when blood, semen, or other body fluid infected with the hepatitis B virus enters the body of a person who is not infected. People can become infected with the virus during activities such as:

• Birth (spread from an infected mother to her baby during birth)
• Sex with an infected partner
• Sharing needles, syringes, or other drug-injection equipment
• Sharing items such as razors or toothbrushes with an infected person
• Sharing food that has been pre-chewed by an infected person
• Direct contact with the blood or open sores of an infected person
• Exposure to blood from needlesticks or other sharp instruments

and

What are ways hepatitis B is not spread?

Hepatitis B virus is not spread by sharing eating utensils, breastfeeding, hugging, kissing, holding hands, coughing, or sneezing. Unlike hepatitis A, it is not spread routinely through food or water. However, there have been times hepatitis B has been spread to babies when they have received food pre-chewed by an infected person.

Now that you're informed, I know that you won't over-react or act like someone is a danger to you when I tell you the next information.

One of our children has chronic Hepatitis B. After we had committed to our sibling group from Ethiopia but before the court date. When our case manager found out, she called us and gave us a week to decide if we wanted to proceed with the adoption of that child.

We knew that God had led us to our children, and if God had led us, then we could follow. We have learned that God knows so much more than we do - so we can trust His plans over ours any day. Sometimes we aren't wise enough to trust Him because we think we're smart....

We let you all meet our children without any fear. If you have fear now - let me ask you - are you going to do any of those things on the list with my child? The one you are most at risk is
"Direct contact with the blood or open sores of an infected person" and we've been with our children to take care of blood and sores. You should be careful with anyone's blood in today's world, so please be careful if my children bleed around you.

If you are really worried, like I said, there is a vaccine that you can receive that can make you immune. Hugging, kissing, sharing forks, being sneezed on - are not putting you or your children at risk (they have probably already been vaccinated). If you're worried about us - Little has been vaccinated from birth and Mommy and Daddy had the Hepatitis A and B combo vaccine before we traveled to Ethiopia - it's a standard recommendation for those traveling to Ethiopia. The other siblings have the antibodies - so they were also infected but developed resistance to it and are now immune.

Right now, the virus is not affecting the child. The liver is healthy, the child is fine. We see a pediatric gastroenterologist once a year. We are praying for healing, for it never to make our child sick. The CDC webpages say that a Hepatitis B person can have no symptoms for 20 or 30 years. I don't know if that's a promise or an average. If it is a promise, I am glad we have insurance and ready medical care to help fight the disease, something that would not have been available at home in Ethiopia.

Why didn't we tell you sooner? We don't know what you know about Hepatitis B, and whether you'd research it or let fear guide you. We knew that in your interactions with our child you weren't going to be harmfully exposed. Integrating older children into a family has it's own challenges - we didn't want to add another level of complexity or awkwardness - we wanted you to meet the child, not the diagnosis. Now you know the child, and can realize that the diagnosis, while serious, does not have to make you react differently, except to pray more.