Polar Bear Parenting

I took the kids to see Arctic Tale as the free summer movie. It was a little intense for them since it was their first National Geographic-animals in the wild footage. They came away a little overwhelmed and testy.

Queen Latifah narrates and the personification of the polar bears, walruses and other creatures. My kids had some trouble with the animals eating animals (that's the way it is...) because people are supposed to be nice to people.

At lunch we were talking about the movie some more and Princess said that it was sad when the mother bear sent her daughter away. The movie follows the female bear Nanu, from crawling out of the birthing cave to wondering if she'll survive in the end (I took the kids for the animal/science exposure... not the "The polar ice caps will all melt if we don't all recycle everything and buy a hybrid car" theme that they didn't pick up on since they probably don't even comprehend the existence of a polar ice cap) Food is scarce and "earlier than normal" Nanu's mother scares her away so that her mother and she are not competing for the same limited resources in the same area.

"Why would a mother send her child away?" was the question, along with "Do mother's send them away?" I gave the guarantee that I wouldn't send them away, but animals often do that if there isn't enough food. "Do people do that?" was another question around the table. "Yes, sometimes people do that, not because of food but for other reasons."

Then Princess says "Yes, mothers do that. Our mom sent us away." Matter of fact, a revelation.

And that comment stuck with me. Nanu's mother by instinct knew that two bears couldn't hunt in that same area, the resources were limited and sent her cub away. I doubt that the mother bear thought about having to "send her daughter away earlier than normal" or "hoped that she'd be all right" or regretted probably "never seeing her again" or whatever the exact words were. But there weren't enough resources to share. They'd both starve to death (according to the movie) competing for the same resources on the same land, so Momma Bear growled and threatened Nanu away.

Although it's hard to fathom here in my house in suburban U.S. the situation my children and millions of other children live in within the borders of Ethiopia and other nations, it seems that their mother was faced with a similar scenario. So many times comfortable citizens of the U.S. lament "How could a parent give them up?" when discussing an adoption plan. But the insight for me is poignant. What if you're faced with the fact that your children can not survive if they stay with you - that no matter what you do the resources you have to share are not enough to keep them healthy - or even alive? What if you are faced with the knowledge that the best you can do is not enough, can not be enough to see them to adulthood? Faced with the choice between your children wasting away or the hope that there are more resources that they can utilize elsewhere - where they could find what they need to thrive not just subsist or worse.... What choice do you choose?

As scary as the unknown is - sometimes a parent may be faced with the fact that no matter what, they can't provide. The known is something that is more awful than sending your children away from you.

I can not begin to imagine what life is like for my children's first mother. I have no idea what it feels like for her on a day to day basis, nor what her hopes and dreams are for her children here other than to grow up and learn healthy and strong. Or maybe the foremost hope is just that they would LIVE. She had to make a terrible decision because of the terrible situation of her life. I pray for her and for wisdom and strength in parenting the children she entrusted to us.

I leave you with the photo for Mammie (the great-grandmother) of the 5 great-grandchildren (she has a series of photos of the 5 grandchildren so this is the next part of the series) It's the best we took - perhaps my brother has a better one. Hopefully he doesn't mind me publishing his baby online either... I'll ask him.

Some photos

So, part of the reason we have a blog is to share photos. Here are some, from Eldest's camera.








The boys.




















And the girls












And a cute combo picture. Because it's
Eldest's camera, I was having trouble finding one where Sister looked happy to have her picture taken. I don't know what Eldest says before she snaps, but I was finding less than smiling photos from number 2. But this one was good.

Help me out and save on your car insurance

For those of you who don't know, I work for GEICO.

GEICO is trying to get the employees to market for them, so if you don't already have GEICO for Auto insurance, and you call for a quote using 1-800-342-9070 and enter code 097369, I will get $15 for each person who calls. You don't have to buy a policy, just get a quote. Of course, if you find that you can save money, you may want to buy a policy :)

If you have some down-time, help me out!

Thanks!

Family Planning

Have you ever released something into God's hands because you know He can take care of it infinitely better than you can, only to find that you've subconsciously have a death grip on it?

I was thinking this morning while I was gardening. (We had the encouragement of other people to start a garden... we needed a support group. So this is year 1. Today I harvested something like 6 snap peas, 5 leaves of lettuce and large quantities of crabgrass).

Anyhow, I thought of lots of things, after I calmed down on the people who were still sleeping who were in the way of me doing laundry and the person who "cleaned" by moving a bunch of boxes so the cats couldn't easily get to their litter box nor I to the laundry room. Sigh. So I was thinking.

A dear friend had the compassion to warn me before her public pregnancy announcement, because she knows that there are times in my life where I have trouble being joyful with those who are joyful in that circumstance. Praise God, that is not the case at this moment. I was genuinely excited for her, with no negativity or jealousy at all. (The times when I have issues tend to be when I have more than 6 friends and family member expecting simultaneously. The count is at 3 at the moment. I have the emotional resources to be fine with that number).

Yes... and I've lost the fertile people already. They've tuned out of this post, or else, perhaps are praying for me and my particular psychological problems at the moment. For those of you still with me, curious about the title of the post or the opening sentence, let's continue.

Before marriage we talked about letting God determine when we would conceive and have children and how many children and how they were spaced (up to a point. My husband had deep fears about following in his father's footsteps with having children in the house at an age he wanted to retire... he had a cut off point). We let it in His hands.

But of course we had preferences. Back to the friend who warned us - Daddy told her that I had told him that if it was a red-headed girl I would hold him while he cried. She didn't quite get it, thinking that I would need more comforting. But really... we had hopes. His was to have his first child be a daughter, and if possible a red head. (There is a good possibility that I have the DNA for it... my grandfather's nickname is Brick because of what his hair looked like back in the day. We're not sure about Jonathan's side). You release it into God's hands, but you still have your hopes about how it would be fulfilled.

If you know us, you know we've never had that little girl. We miss her. The red hair seems... frivolous now - superficial with her absence. Do we trust God to be good all the time? I guess deep in our hearts we are terrified that leaving it in God's hands He may chose that our family is complete with the children we have.

And is it ungrateful? Are we devaluing our other children? Are they not what we really wanted? Are they just substitutes for the mythical Aletheia Karis who was named, along with Jeshurun Micah who brought his own middle name before we were even engaged?

We put it in God's hands. He has led us on a journey we would not have charted back in 1996, just barely 20 and turning 18 as we anticipated marriage and family. The biological children who we expected to have 2 of by the time we were married 5 years (5th anniversary was Dec 2003) didn't show up. So we were able to follow God's leading. To foster care and a transracial adoption (one member of the marriage had promised to never, ever be a foster parent). Our first child was born Dec 2003 but wasn't legally ours until 2006.

Each step, God has changed our direction. From biological to international adoption, from India to Korea to PG county. We look for the right direction - or maybe we're trying to be in control of what we gave to God. Eventually we find the right path. 2nd child (which turned to 2nd, 3rd and 4th) from foster care adoption, to international, Ukraine, to Ethiopia. From an infant and preschooler to adopting 4 children between the ages of 3 and 12 to bringing home 3 children ages 6 to 12.

So here we are again. The nutritionist believes that if my body is fed properly it should be able to get pregnant. In the last year we've attended domestic infant information sessions (expensive!) and Foster Care meetings (our house is too cluttered to take a child... if we clean it up we could get licensed). So we're waiting. We don't know which way to walk. We are at the point where we think about it.... almost compulsively. The advertisement in the mail with two babies among the packing peanuts from an opened cardboard box - We'll take one through the mail - they even come in sets! The plea in the church bulletin for the agency that needs couples open to any race baby... is there any possible way we could finance it? The children are learning the 10 commandments... I wonder if "You shall not covet your neighbor's baby" is understood to be part of number 10. These are things that pop up on a daily basis between Mommy and Daddy here.

Getting pregnant ... we can't afford to invest our emotions to deeply, it could hurt too much. Faithful, godly people have prayed for a pregnancy and continue to pray for it over the years - we know God CAN do it, but is it His will now?

Content in all circumstances. Trusting God in all things. The desires of our hearts.

We of course look and see... is there something we need to learn? To do? To change? Is He waiting until we're better parents? Until someone in our family is more emotionally stable, whether it be Mom, Dad, a sister or a brother? Should we seek to shelve this desire or should we be working toward it being realized (like decluttering and clearing out bedroom space for the foster license. I guess we should work on that anyhow =)... )

So I guess we're seeking wisdom again about which way to go. We're getting our information and seeking where God is in this. When the aching gets overwhelming I realized gardening this morning that I forgot.... we put this in His domain years ago. We told him over a decade ago that we wanted Him to be sovereign over the family planning. He has been faithful... our plans have come to no fruition as He steers us where He wants us to go. He has been good, SO good - 4 beautiful wonderful children to love and care for. A house full of children. (That's another one... should we move? Should we wait until we can move and find a house with more bedrooms or a different floor plan first?)

So part of the pain is wanting to be in control and the frustration of not being in control. I pray I remember that the only One who has enough wisdom and power to accomplish the perfect plan is the One we put in charge and I just submit to Him in this and in all things. So I just need to find out what His plan is for the family so I can work with Him.


And two posts in a week.... I better watch out or I'll be logging too much time online catching up with all the other adoptive families I have bookmarked. Blogs can be addictive.

I'm still here

Well, life has been busy, and has just gotten busier with school being over. I was looking forward to lazy days of summer, but my schedule has been intense. And school isn't really over, we do it year round here. Life round?

My children have grown a whole lot. In the fall I'll be tutoring for our local Classical Conversations where all 4 children will be attending in the fall. When we took Eldest out of the University-Model School in January we enrolled her in Classical Conversations (CC for short) and it was the perfect fit for what we needed. Classical education is based on the Trivium, or three paths of Grammar, Dialectic and Rhetoric. Young children can memorize tons of information, young teenagers start delving into the whys and hows and older teens and adults (should be able to) synthesize the information they understand to make points and persuasive arguments and draw conclusions. So all 4 will be memorizing facts, according to their ability about U.S. History with a class once a week.

Eldest son had his last day of public school (ever?) yesterday. Next week he starts homeschool again while Princess has Basketball camp. For most afternoons we plan to be at the pool. I have hopes to clean things out and organize and move where we do school work, but those jobs may be saved for rainy afternoons... I don't know. The week after Eldest Son has Baseball camp and then we go camping with our friends from Mount Oak.

So - we're doing pretty well. I've spent less time on the computer, and therefore less time thinking about blogging. I know people I love want to read updates however, so here is one.

-Mommy

Welcome to the Blog of horrible non-updatedness

Yeah, just haven't had much time to type. Life's pretty much as normal as anyone who knows what to expect would expect from a family with 4 kids including a 12 year old girl. The 12 year old girl adds lots of character. So does the 4 year old boy and the 7 year old boy, and the 9 year old girl (alternately sour and sweet) - it's a regular cast of characters here.

So what's up?

Trying to get a more fuel efficient car with a lower payment.
Hoping the value of our house will go back to what we paid for it so we can get into one that's laid out better.
Cleaning up our junk and throwing / giving most of it away, since we haven't really touched most of it since we moved 2+ years ago.
Trying to figure out how to live in the budget we need to (we've got a good pattern down, but staying there is tough).

That's the highlight's I suppose!

If you're on Facebook, add me as a friend using my cowbaka@gmail.com address. I'm hidden, but you should be able to get me via email.

Pictures, which I AM legally allowed to use!

You know, WalMart / Target will usually print any digital pictures you send them, but sometimes they get persnickety about "professional" prints. Anyway, this picture WAS purchased in digital format from Sears by my mother!