It takes extra effort

Tonight I was at a Bethany information session for domestic infant adoptions. (Yes, if anyone missed the memo, we were not planning to be finished after adoption number 2. We believe there are more children waiting to be in our family, and we're hoping to be able to shop the toddler dress section of the stores with this next one (nothing against boys, but we've been yearning to have someone at our house that can wear those epiphanies of cuteness).

So all of the families were (disappointingly) of European descent. Two of the four families represented are incredibly interested in pursuing Bethany's Embryo Adoption program. I was the only one there who had previously adopted, and transracially at that. I was asked for my opinions.

The summary of what I said: Don't be afraid of it, but research it before you do it.

On the drive home I thought about it more.
Children need parents. Any parent who is called to can parent a child in the respect of giving love, meeting needs and teaching them the Gospel. Depending on the child adopted (I'm thinking some older children/special needs adoptions) some of that parenting may not be accepted but it can be given irrespective of what the parent or child looks like.

But there is a respect that a white parent can not teach a child how to be black. There are questions about identity and belonging that can only be answered by the community that the child belongs to only with respect to their appearance (Daddy may just have to post his dissenting opinion on this one). Fully understanding how society defines and reacts to my children based on their appearance and how to respond to it in healthy ways just can not be taught just by me - there is some aspects of coping and learning that I just can't teach second or third hand no matter how many books I read or people I talk to.

Which made me think: Parenting transracially takes a little more effort. Most of us, I believe, parent intuitively - we parent the way we were parented, adding in some of the good techniques we saw our friends or relatives model, consciously trying to not repeat the mistakes that may have been trained into us.

But we have generations of children who were parented that way - by parents of a different culture than they were. And some things worked and others didn't. By and large the literature tells us that the parents can't just do it the way they inherited, they need to do some research, work a little harder.

You may have to consciously think about the race of who you use for a doctor or dentist. You have to be conscious of your social experiences and at times push to network yourself with people who are going to help reflect your child back to him or her in a way that you can't. (I truly think that until we find our image from Godwe rely on what others show us about who we are.) We see this with single parents needing a same-gender role model to interact with their children -there are aspects of identity that need to passed first hand.

I graduated from high school and college with people who may go to their grave having no ill effects of having no idea who Menelik I, Meles Zenawi, or the original the original Ras Tafari were/are. They may never be able to locate Djibouti, Mauritania, or the Gambia are on an unmarked map.

But my kids deserve that I know more. They deserve that I research. That I read the voices of adoptees like Jaiya John and of African Americans who have struggled with race in the United States. They deserve to have friends of the family in all colors and if it doesn't happen naturally then it needs to happen ON PURPOSE. By going to Mocha Moms by seeking for churches that don't just hope multiculturalism will happen but work to build those relationships.

Otherwise, if I don't put in that extra effort, the reflection all they'll see from me is my heritage and it won't all ring true for them. When they look for a reflection back they'll know that the light skin and straight hair doesn't tell the whole story of who they are. They don't need me to be black but they need me to give them the tools and stepping stones to define themselves - whether as Ethiopians, Africans, Blacks, African-Americans, Ethiopian-Americans or some other title.

The healthiest transracial adoptees that I've learned of and come across are those who have the benefit of being bi-cultural. They have the literacy and skills to be comfortable in both the racial cultures (as ambiguous as that is) of their biological AND adoptive families. I mourn for those who have to fight for that place of belonging in one or the other as they get older because they have felt disenfranchised from both. I want to give the first scenario to my children but it requires more than the education I already hold within me. I have to work harder to help them find that place of dual citizenship.

Someone at the meeting asked how the older children felt about being transracially adopted. I hadn't really had that discussion with them, so I asked my eldest when I came home. Her first answer was "bad temper" and then she asked me to repeat the question and apologized when she realized what she had said. (Bad temper is a standby reply in this house.)

For anyone considering transracial adoption Her Royal Highness says "Just do it, don't ask questions."

Out of duty

Because I love reading everyone else's blogs, I have a debt to the blog readers everywhere to update this blog sometime. It WAS Daddy's blog, but someone has to do it. As for pictures, my camera is broken and Daddy's has too much memory - we have no recent photos uploaded.

We're enjoying the swimming pool and visiting family. Mommy and Daddy wish there was more time to visit friends, but right now we're busy enough with family visits. We are looking forward to seeing some CWA Ethiopia families in August (I am REALLY excited).

We are sending the children to school next year. Daddy has always promised several things about educating our children

1. They would spend at least one year in a brick and mortar school.
2. They would never attend a public middle or high school.
3. They would never ride the school bus.

So, Princess and Mr. Clean are attending the public school. The principal told Daddy that it was ILLEGAL for children to walk to school in Virginia. I've looked but not found this "law" and I'm curious what it really says. Daddy is reconsidering point 3, because there is all that excitement about getting on that big yellow bus which drives by the house every day, and how much corruption can a child soak up in that one minute drive to the school. More research will be done.

Her Regal Highness's application went off today for a University Model School where we are planning on her going. All 3 children really value "school" although by April the girls understood a little about why homeschooling was a good thing. She'll have to take placement tests, but then I'll teach her M,W,F at home and she'll attend there Tu, Th. Hopefully that way it won't be too frustrating for her and we are still the major influence in her life time-wise.

And the hope of Daddy is that Mommy can be a better influence. Mommy has had a short temper of late and he is tired of Mommy needing to defuse the stresses of the day. He'd like some days for Mommy not to be fuming when he comes home. So, 3 days a week with only 2 children at home for several hours, and the better ability to defuse situations (1 to 4 you are so very outnumbered, especially when they are learning your standards of behavior). Then 3 days a week there will only be Little at home, and we're hoping he can destress (google says it isn't a word, but I know that unstress isn't either, and calm down isn't right either, because he's a boy and he's 3 1/2 ... calm down won't happen for what... another 30 years?).

We're also hoping that some time apart can change some less desired family dynamics between the kids and make the times they are together happier - they may enjoy each others' company when they don't have to be in it so much.

Pray for the transition to school. Pray for them to have the right teachers who can meet their needs. Pray for Mommy and Daddy to know the best way to support them and make choices for their education.

Mommy

God provides

Hey everyone! How are you all doing? Sorry we're not too good at the updating thing, finding computer time is challenging at times for me.

Today, however, I'm catching up. Because my kids are, as much as I loathe it, having a television marathon.

Why? Because I'm trying to keep my foot elevated and I want to keep my hopping around the house to a minimum.

Yesterday I stepped on a stair that wasn't there. When all of my pounds came down on the foot 2 steps farther down... there was a problem.

But God provided. God is good all the time, and some of you will be challenged in this being provision, but hear me out. That morning I actually HAD quiet time. I asked God to order my day and to guide the timin gof my husband's special mission (which I didn't want him to go on....)

Well, he was home to switch cars and hadn't left yet when I fell. He was able to help me get ice - a mission that I don't think would've been successful with just my kids.... I would've gotten lots of hugs, worried looks, and people tripping over me, as well as anxiety and frustration. Yes, praise the Father above, He gave me someone who spoke English and could carry out the task requested (Little would have understood but been unable to carry out the task, I would've probably had a flavor-ice or frozen chicken to put on my foot)

Daddy took 2 children with him on his mission, leaving me with just 2 - to take on an errand and then decide that my foot hurt A LOT and that I'd go to the doctor.

He took an xray and nothing's broken, gave me a prescription for naproxen sodium and a pain killer and told me to keep it elevated and iced.

It feels fine if I don't put any weight on it, or if the cat doesn't think I have it sticking out for rubbing against - there have been several yelps from that cause today that have sent children into a panic.

Speaking of cats - did you know that we have a 4th cat? He's 26 pounds and can walk on his hind legs when he chooses. He also likes to put marbles and erasers in his mouth. Little enjoys being petted behind his ears and along his chin, and even purrs when he is happy - it's quite convincing. So convincing that he wanted to understand what the cat was doing that made Mommy yelp and wanted to try it too - he wants to have the cat thing down.

What else did I want to say? My children are beautiful. I wish we could communicate better. Homeschooling is going fairly well, except today when Little wasn't being a cat he was misbehaving and needed intervention. So we aborted school early. We're doing Math U See for all 3 - Princess (#2) moved into Beta this week, Her Regal Highness (#1) is jealous and trying to finish up Delta and Mr. Clean (I have a 6 yo boy who initiates a bath almost daily and changes his underwear twice a day.... ) is behaving his age.... he'll do it if he thinks it's fun and fight it if it isn't. We bought the A Beka 1st grade Health and Social Studies, and Her Highness is reading them for reading time - a good fit I think - more practical and enjoyable than some of the other things we tried.

That's all for now....

Mommy

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Happy Easter

Since we all know that Easter is about dying eggs and wearing new (or barely worn in the case where some of us can't afford to buy 6 new sets) clothing, here are some pictures to commemorate:





I tried to get some egg models and was about 50% successful:

Another Picture

Here's a family picture:

Hi everyone!

I haven't written here for a while - I've just been too busy!

I'm not going to write tonight either, but here are some pictures - these are mostly what what was included in our 3 month report for Ethiopia.